Why Is It So Hard to Say No?

In the past week I've had separate conversations with two dear friends that centered around our inability to say no to basically anyone who requests our help.  We laughed about how we have no idea how to set boundaries or create margin in our lives then our laughter dissolved into silent tears of frustration.  Ok, maybe that was just me.  I noticed that what my friends and I share are careers that involve helping children, and seriously, it is very difficult to decline a request to help a child, but we also all genuinely love others and enjoy helping, yet each of us realizes that our failure to say no is costing us our well-being and in some small ways, our sanity.

I left my conversations wondering what it is about me that refuses to utter the word no when I desperately need to say it, and I came up with a list, which is quite an accomplishment since I fail to ever create one for the grocery.  I can't imagine that I'm alone, so I decided to share my list, a sort of kindred spirit expressing what I know many of us would like to say.  Because, frankly, I think this is a girl thing.  I think our taking on incessant requests goes to the heart of who we are as women, and girls, I think we need to realize that "no" is not a four-letter word.  So, here's why I can't say no:

1.  I'm afraid of what other people will think of me.

Yes, this one tops the list.  Who wants to be considered selfish, mean, unkind, thoughtless?  Each time I weigh wether or not to accept a request, I run through a litany of what the person will think of me if I say no.  I KNOW.  Shallow, weird, pathetic of me, but I'm aware of the problem.  I want people to like me, to think I'm nice, kind, accommodating, superwoman.....  It's easy to tell me to not worry about what others will think, but putting that into practice is difficult for me.

2.  I'm afraid if I say no once or twice, people will stop asking me.

I enjoy helping others; I really do, but there are times I really cannot physically or mentally handle another demand on my time.  If I say no, I fear that I won't be asked to be part of something that can really help someone else, and that saddens me.

3.  Sometimes my friends and family need me, and I really love my friends and family and don't want to let them down.  If my life is filled with 60 hour work weeks that leaves me no time to assist the people I love. 

4.  I'm afraid I'll disappoint someone, hurt her feelings, put her in a precarious situation.

5.  I'm afraid if I turn away clients my phone will stop ringing, and I love and need my job.

I've chosen a career path that involves helping others.  I chose it deliberately for that purpose.  I love teaching; few things bring me greater joy than seeing a child finally grasp a concept.  If I start saying no to new students, I fear word will get out and people will stop calling.

6.  I feel selfish and guilty every time I turn someone who needs me away.  It's as if I am personally responsible for his/her success and well-being. 

So there they are.  The top six reasons I have trouble saying no....but I need to learn to say no.  I've been putting in almost 60 hour work weeks.  Perhaps not physically at the office, but my jobs also require planning, research, grading, returning calls, etc.  Like all of us, I also have church and volunteer commitments, and my children participate in sports.  I also homeschool my children, and oh, yes, I'm married.  A nagging foot injury that's been slow to heal has added doctors' visits and physical therapy to a schedule that's already busting at the seams.  And you know what, I am just like every other mom in this country.  I'm not unique or special in my struggle.  This is our shared story of overcommitment which leaves us overwhelmed and overly-spent.  Why do we continue to do this to ourselves, girls?  Why?  It's time to stop, so in addition to my previous list, I've come up with a list of reasons we need to stop.

1.  Every time we say yes to someone else, we say no to our own families.

I am my children's mommy first.  They need me to be present, to be fully there with them and not distracted, annoyed, stressed, and overwhelmed.  My sweet little ones are not an item to be checked off the daily to-do list.  They are precious treasures entrusted to me by a loving God who expects me to reflect His love to them every day.  They and their father are my most important earthly priority and it is high-time I lived that truth.  

2.  When we refuse to say no, we might be robbing someone else the joy of saying yes.

I began reading a book titled The Best Yes about a year ago.  Perhaps, I should finish it.....but from what I managed to read, I gathered the basic premise is that we should be picky about our yeses.  Not that we should turn down everything and sit at home and do nothing, but that we should carefully consider when to accept a request and when to graciously say no.  The author made a point that resonated which was sometimes we rob the "right" person of the job.  It isn't our responsibility to take on everything and by doing so, perhaps we are preventing someone from serving God in a particular capacity that's meant for that person.  We accept the job grudgingly and resent the person who asked. What if there's someone eager and willing and excited about helping out in that specific way.  Your no may open the door to someone else's ideal yes.

3.  When we take on too many responsibilities, it is impossible to perform any of them to our best ability, so we end up giving less than our best.  At some point we are going to drop the ball.

I can perform a few tasks well.  When I'm tutoring thirty students a week, teaching six classes, and writing five articles, I'm giving my best to none of those, and ultimately, I let someone down.  The child who needs my all receives a distracted tutor who can't stop yawning, much less focus on complicated Algebra.  I wake up every morning in a cold sweat wondering what I forgot to do the day before or what I'm forgetting to do that day.  It's awesome.  Really, love living this way.

4.  We are hurting our health, and if we don't take care of ourselves, it is absurd to think we can take care of someone else.  

Our health and sanity matter.  My middle sister quietly takes on tasks and stoically performs each one, never complaining.  That gene skipped me.  I'm outspoken, verbal, and wear my heart on my sleeve.  Both of us are hurting our health each time we add a new, often unnecessary stressor to our day.  We each have physical manifestations of our inner struggles with stress.  Lately, I've find myself wavering between wanting to cry.....I mean sob like a baby.....and wanting to throw a tantrum....full-on lying in the floor, kicking, screaming.  I imagine it would take place in the kitchen, where my children's usually take place.  I'd kick the cabinet open and closed, maybe rattle a pot or pan.  If the foot injury would heal, much of this could be solved with a good run, but the point is it affects my health and my mood.  Depression and anxiety seep in to an already stressful workload,  my head aches, and I'm not my best.  I'm my worst, and that's not good for anyone.  

5.  When we say yes to everything, it leaves no time to say yes to the things we really want to do.   Plus, it sets a poor example for our own children to see us relentlessly occupying our days with nothing but obligations.

I've recently begun to write, not just for fun, but also for employment.  It's a dream of mine to write, and I've finally been given an opportunity to perhaps pursue it more seriously, but there's rarely time.  My children need to see me pursuing big dreams to give them the courage to pursue their own.  I need to take the time to nurture hobbies to share gifts that I cultivated in my downtime.  If I never have downtime then I don't have time to chase non-work related dreams and goals.  I need to set a better example of work-family-recreational balance in my life for my own children, so they don't
grow into careworn adults whose lives are filled with stress and commitments.  

6.  Saying no doesn't mean that we love the person any less or that we don't grasp the gravity of her need.

7.  Our inability to say no reveals a lack of trust in God.

This last one hits me between the eyes.  When I take on everything, as if the survival of the world depends on me, I'm telling God, either I don't need you or I don't trust you to handle it.  I say yes because there can't possibly be anyone else to handle the task.  How preposterous is that?  I'm not trusting God to provide for me or for the person who needs help.  Sometimes, I am the provision but not always.  There are times I take on a new student when I know my schedule can't handle it, when I know it puts my husband in a bind, and frustrates my children because I'm afraid we might one day need the income.  Rather than follow my gut and decline, I say no to God, no to trusting in His provision, and foolishly try to control every situation on my own.  If I truly trusted God, I'd trust His divine will, His provision, His leading, and graciously say no, but I don't.  At the crux of it all is a faith issue, a heart issue that reveals a lack of faith.  Sometimes, friends, saying no to others, even those we love, is saying yes to God.  

This struggle is real for me, and I know it is real for the countless number of friends I have who are flustered, frazzled, and haggard, who collapse into bed at night wondering if this is it.  Is life meant to be this overwhelming all the time?  Are we as moms never meant to enjoy the little things, to relish in the little moments, to cherish small snippets of quiet solitude?  I don't believe God meant for it to be this way.  He isn't harried, rushed, or frantic.  Look at the slow, deliberate, un-rushed patterns in nature.  God is never in a frenetic hurry.  So, I'm looking to the Creator who incorporated Sabbath rest into His own schedule.  

This summer I'm saying no.  I even have an accountability partner, my youngest sister, who I  texted last night a tirade of tiredness.  I usually text her in those moments of coming apart because she allows me to say anything I want and promises to not have me committed.  We agreed to hold each other accountable in this fight.  So, this summer, I'm doing what I love, not in a selfish-all-about-me way but in a restorative way that renews me to better serve in the fall.  I'm recharging my spirit and reprioritizing my no's and yeses, so I can serve where I truly believe God wants me.  I'm spending time with my husband and children and family and friends.  I'm writing, which I love.  I'm gardening.  I'm improving my home.  I'm choosing to live at a pace I can manage.  I'm choosing to help those who really, really need me.  And if I survive this quiet, sacred pace this summer, I may even continue it in the fall.  I hope you'll join me.....