It began as a simple, yet sincere prayer, prompted by Kelly Minter's bible study on Nehemiah. "Lord, break my heart for what breaks Yours." That was it; my offering to the Lord. At first, not much happened. This prayer was followed a few weeks later by a simple question to my Sunday School class, while mediating a study on The Hunger Games (so in an odd way, Suzanne Collins also bears some of the fault for this epiphany). "Why is the church failing to transform our culture, which clearly seems to be crumbling all around us?" A simple, rhetorical question where, like any good teacher, I had no real answer to supply. After Sunday school, a dear friend asked if I had heard of Jen Hatmaker, to which I replied, "Yes, I follow her on Twitter." The next thing I know I'm reading her book Interrupted, and then suddenly, wham, I am on the floor of my room in fetal position, rocking back and forth in a fit of self-condemnation, wondering how I've spent my entire life in the church, 29 years as a Christian, and missed the whole point. Or, to quote Hatmaker, "[God] turned my undiagnosed tension into a full-blown spiritual crisis." I find myself not in a midlife crisis but in a spiritual one, one that reveals that I have sorely neglected my call to love the least of these......
If you're confused, join many of my friends and family and allow me to explain in a completely manic and jumbled way because frankly, that's how I'm feeling right now: jumbled and manic. Interrupted and 7 like, Radical by David Platt, and Crazy Love by Francis Chan, all of which I read soon after reading Hatmaker, examine the church vs. the American Dream. Have we become so complacent pursuing.....stuff.....that we've completely missed the boat on what our Christianity is meant to be? I realized I was using the "Word to defend my life rather than define it" (Hatmaker). It became clear to me that what was breaking God's heart was my lack of obedience to the Word. I mean, if the church is being responsive to the call to love the least of these how can stats like the following even exist:
* Of the 6 billion people on Earth, about 1.2 billion live on $.23 a day.
* Half the world lives on less than $2 a day
* Someone dies of hunger every 16 SECONDS!
* Last year 22 million people died of preventable diseases: 10 million were children
*27 million children and adults are trapped in slavery; more today than ever before!
* More than 143 million children in the world have been orphaned or abandoned
* 40 percent of the world lacks basic water sanitation, resulting in disease, death, and loss of immunity, while Americans consume 26 billion liters of bottled water a DAY
* 40 million people die annually from starvation, disease, and malnutrition, while 65% of American adults are overweight (Hatmaker)
Don't even get me started on the billions of people who have never heard or accepted the gospel; people who are lost. Hello?! Church, where are we? Where am I? I can't tell you the last time I really shared the gospel with someone, and I have family and friends who I know are lost, yet I seem more concerned with my 401K than the fact that someone dies of hunger every 16 seconds.
I felt the Holy Spirit like never before reminding me that faith without works is dead, that Jesus came to serve, not be served, that I must take up the cross and deny self. I asked God to break my heart for what breaks His and for two weeks, I've felt like what Jacob must have felt like wrestling with God about what it truly means to die to self and live for Christ. The Holy Spirit has been revealing that, like the Pharisees, my knowledge of the Scriptures, my self-righteous condemnation of all who just "don't get it" amount to nothing without mercy and justice. You see, I'm embarrassed to say, for years, I read, let my good "works" shine before men so they may see them and glorify God, as my works being "my" goodness, my obedience to legal rules of not drinking to excess, swearing, or being seen in places I shouldn't be seen to attending every bible study in town. For the first time, it hit me, my good works are not about me or my warped sense of self-righteousness, my works are justice, kindness, mercy, and service. The least of these!
During the past few weeks, I feel as though God has begun separating the wheat from the chaff in my life, and I am being shaken all over the threshing floor, knowing that through His grace and mercy what will eventually remain is the good stuff, but the emotional winnowing is leaving me raw emotionally. Just ask my husband who actually had to take over reading the bible for me during Sunday school, so I could sob over my revelation. God has brought me to brokenness, is bringing me to the end of self, so he can recreate me in the mission of Christ. The Holy Spirit is revealing what in me is breaking his heart and breaking mine over it. I can't quite explain the battle that's ensued, but I have found myself in a fit of simultaneous rebellion and surrender. "Yes, Lord, send me." "No, I can't give that up."
Keep in mind, this is my jumbled, raw making sense of the Holy Spirit at work, so I don't want to get into legalism vs. freedom here, but I'm feeling the strong call of Christ to live Matthew 25 and Isaiah 58, not because I have to, but because Jesus told me in John, if I love him I will obey Him. "Having been freed from sin, I am enslaved to righteousness" Romans 6:17 Basically, if Christ is in me then I have been transformed, which means I can't continue to live life as though Christ isn't at work in me. I can no longer live "with an anemic faith and in a church that robs Christ followers of vitality and repels the rest of the world" (Hatmaker) ; it's contrary to the very faith I claim to have. While I feel that I've been a "good" Christian by comfortable American standards, I've not been living radically transformed, and that, I believe, is what the Holy Spirit revealed is breaking His heart, where I'm concerned. Hatmaker writes, "If we've learned anything from the rebellious nation of Israel.....it is this: God is supremely concerned with our motives, and our works only count when they match our intentions. There is no back door into salvation, rerouted around the sacrifice of Christ. Otherwise, the whole earth could gain heaven by good works, and His day on the cross would be pointless." So, yes, I am saved by grace through faith, not by works, but my faith without works is dead. I'm ready to serve in love and because I love the wonderful Savior who sacrificed all for me.
The two greatest commands are to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and mind then to love my neighbor as myself. My neighbor has been the sweet little microcosm of my family, which is important, but there's a big city, a big state, a big world out there that needs serving and saving. It's time to change, which is frightening, but I love what Brandon Hatmaker says in Interrupted, "The good news is that God can be found right in the middle of it as well. God does not change, but He uses change to change us. He sends us on journeys that bring us to the end of ourselves. We often feel out of control, yet if we embrace His leading, we may find ourselves on the ride of our lives."
I'm ready for the ride of my life. I'm tired of being consumed with what everyone else thinks, with what sort of impression I (there's that selfish obsession creeping back in) make. I'm tired of looking to stuff to fill a void that can only be filled by God and service to Him. Seriously, how many pair of boots does one girl need. My daughter has three coats and two zip-hooded fleece....seriously?! I'm tired of giving "just enough." I'm ready to give until it hurts. I'm tired of "demonstrating religiosity without transformation." I'm tired of claiming to be different because of Christ, while keeping one foot firmly planted in the world. Since when do I care so much about fitting in? This is the girl who wore wooden clogs and knee boots in middle school to be different. As Hatmaker points out, "Jesus never fit in. He was never the cool guy." That's something I can embrace; seriously, cool eluded me the minute I put on a sparkly, silver sweater with sequins sewn on (by my sweet mom) in the outline of a saxophone to go to a band dance. Need I say more?
So what does this mean for me, for the Johnsons? I've been overpowered by the Holy Spirit, and I can't describe the rush of love and joy I'm feeling by beginning the process of resurrendering to His call on my life; that it's not about climbing the ladder of success to a wealthy retirement and kids who are set on the same path. It's about loving and serving and teaching my children to love and serve period. What does that look like for us? I don't know, yet, but I can assure you I'm praying for God to reveal what's next. Today and everyday, I'm prayerfully considering how my family and I can serve in His name each day in our everyday lives. I plan to follow this process on the blog, as well as my journey homeschooling, among other things. I want to leave you with the text of Matthew 25 and Isaiah 58 and ask that you will consider asking God to break your heart for what is breaking His and that together we may begin the process of transforming the church to become more missional and thus, transform the world.
Matthew 25: 35-40
Then the king will say to those on his right, "Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me. Then the righteous will answer him, "Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or naked and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and visit you? And the king will answer them, I tell you the truth, just as you did for one of the least of these brothers or sisters of mine, you did it for me."
Isaiah 58:6-10
No, this is the kind of fast I want. I want you to remove the sinful chains, to tear away the ropes of the burdensome yoke, to set free the oppressed, and to break every burdensome yoke. I want you to share your food with the hungry and to provide shelter for homeless, oppressed people. When you see someone naked, clothe him! Don't turn your back on your own flesh and blood! Then your light will shine like the sunrise, your restoration will quickly arrive; your godly behavior will go before you, and the Lord's splendor will be your rear guard. Then you will call out, and the Lord will respond; you will cry out , and he will reply, "Here I am." You must remove the burdensome yoke from among you and stop pointing fingers and speaking sinfully. You must actively help the hungry and feed the oppressed. Then your light will dispel the darkness, and your darkness will be transformed into noonday.
James 2: 14-18
What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but does not have works? Can this kind of faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed or lacks daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, keep warm and eat well," but you do not give them what the body needs, what good is it? So also faith, if it does not have works, is dead being by itself. But someone will say, "You have faith and I have works." Show me your faith without works and I will show you faith by my works.
2 comments:
WOW
Lets not over complicate things! Although you may not be able to save the world, you can live your life as the best Christian that you can be. There are so many ways to exhibit being a Christian. Whether it be offering your elderly neighbor a ride to the grocery store or going on a mission trip. You say that you have issues with what people think about you, it seems to be something you struggle with. You seem to be a faithful Christain and wonderful Mother. When you show confidence in yourself others see it as well.
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