Working and Homeschooling: Finding Balance

I toss a stack of books into the leather ottoman that discreetly stores my children's textbooks.  A and C gather pencils , clean excess paper and schoolwork off the dining room table then rush off to read silently for half an hour while I dress for work.  My husband and I discuss dinner and practice schedules, and I leave a few last minute instructions with the kids before I head out to the library where I will spend the next five hours tutoring.  My husband steps in to handle the afternoon duties of shuttling the kids to practice, feeding them dinner, and preparing them for bed.  When I return home from work, I will run upstairs where my two little ones are waiting patiently for books and good night hugs, thus ending another day for our homeschooling family.

An oft-repeated comment I hear from moms who wish to homeschool is "I'd love to homeschool, but I have to work."  I'm often greeted with looks of surprise when I share that not only do I work but so do many of my homeschooling friends.  Working mom and homeschooling mom need not be mutually exclusive.   In fact, working while homeschooling can provide real-world learning experiences for your own children.

While working and homeschooling is possible, it isn't always easy.   If you decide to tackle working while homeschooling, you might need to rethink your vision of work.  It probably isn't realistic to assume you can maintain a career as a full-time doctor or lawyer and adequately school your children without reevaluating your schedule, especially when your children are young.  In my family, my husband and I both run businesses from home and are able to swap easily between work and school.  My son often works on his math and spelling while my husband fields business calls in his office.  C enjoys watching his dad in action.  If you happen to be a nurse, you could possibly schedule shifts for weekends or evenings and school on off days and in the mornings.  As children become more independent in their schooling, which is ultimately the goal (self-directed learning), schedules can resume a more traditional path.

Finding balance in work and homeschool is often the most difficult challenge, and some careers more easily allow this balance.  Here are a few traits, compiled from conversations with working homeschooling moms, that successful homeschooling moms tend to share.

1.  They work from home or work in careers with flexible scheduling.  

I run a tutoring business and meet with students in the afternoon and evenings.  This leaves the morning free to school my children.  I also schedule one weekday free for field trips and have chosen not to work on weekends to protect family time and worship.  I also teach one day a week at a co-op that allows my children to come with me to work and even provides childcare.  If you excel in a certain subject area and enjoy working with children, tutoring is an excellent career.

My friend, Jennifer, works the early morning and evening shift at a local YMCA.  She's home during the middle of the day with her children.  Any job that allows a split-shift is ideal.  Retailers will often allow this.  My friend, Michele, is a rep with Premier Designs.  Most of her work is completed at night, and she simply schedules jewelry showings around her children's schedules.  With a little research, you can find many careers that allow for flexible scheduling.  I have friends who monogram, friends who bake, friends who edit copy.  With ingenuity, most hobbies can become entrepreneurial endeavors.

2.  They include their children in their work.

If you run a business from home, your work provides an ideal learning experience for your child.  What better real-world experience than to allow your child to watch and to even participate in the running of your business.  Michele, a rep for Premier Designs, allows her young daughter to place labels on catalogs and assist in creating hostess packets. She even incorporates her business into their homeschooling lessons.  I, too, try to incorporate lessons from business into homeschooling.  Recently, my daughter was learning about sales tax.  My husband displayed several receipts from his business and illustrated for my daughter how his business charges and pays certain taxes in transactions.  We were then able to discuss how the government uses our tax money. 

Early in my homeschooling career, I bemoaned the fact I had to work, feeling it took time away from my children.  Now, I view it as an opportunity.  My children
experience a true laboratory of learning as they observe my husband and I tackle the day-to-day challenges that come with running a business.  They understand how entrepreneurship works.  As society changes, more and more people will work from home or will run small businesses.  They will learn how to better balance aspects of home, work, church, and family from experience rather than theory.  Michele's older children have shown an interest in entrepreneurship as she's shared her business with them.  In fact, several young homeschoolers run successful businesses now.  They are already honing the skills necessary to developing a successful career.

3.  They create balance in their lives and have a support system.

The key to successfully creating an ideal work/homeschool environment is balance.  When I first began homeschooling, I had just started my business.  I was trying desperately to build a network while also trying to both research curriculum and create a homeschool.  I was teaching 18 hours a day, either my own or children of my clients. I experienced burnout and was staring down the long, dark road of depression.  I realized that to adequately provide for my family, I needed to find balance, so I decided to trust God's promise to provide and prayerfully considered what was absolutely necessary to include in my day.  I narrowed the focus of my business to just include ACT/SAT tutoring, I turned down several volunteer and work opportunities, accepting only those I truly felt called to do, and I decreased my work hours.  Within months, I felt my health and faith restored, and my children learned a lesson by watching their mom evaluate her schedule and make difficult but necessary choices to improve her family's quality of life.  I also taught my children that it is okay to say no, even to good things because better opportunities lie ahead.  I hope I also taught them a lesson in having faith.

The moms I know who handle this successfully also carve out time in their day for themselves.  This may be a bible study, hour at the gym, or twenty minutes with a book.  It's also important to spend quality time with your spouse.  Give your children positive associations with work.  Michele places ten percent of her jewelry earnings in a "fun jar" and the family reaps the benefits of her hard work together in an enjoyable activity.  This, too, is an example of balance.  Money is tithed, saved, spent, and enjoyed.

Successful working homeschool moms also ask for help and delegate responsibilities to their children.  Your child is capable of cleaning the bathroom and of preparing simple meals.  Enlist the help of your spouse.  My husband is a true partner in our homeschool and folds laundry with more precision than I ever could.

So, yes, if you feel led to homeschool but feel that it's impossible to reconcile that calling with your need to work, know it's possible.  There are thousands of moms balancing work and school and not at the expense of their children but to their benefit.  Though it isn't always easy and requires a true evaluation of priorities and expectations, there are many fulfilling careers that fit your desire to contribute to your family's income with your desire to homeschool.  

The Magic of Reading to Older Kids

A and C snuggle in tight, one under each arm.  I open the pages of Because of Winn-Dixie and begin to read.  Silence, rapt attention, interrupted now and then by a chorus of giggles when our furry protagonist finds himself the center of a mishap follows.   Today has been declared electronic-free day, which is usually met with whining and pleading, but as soon as I crack open the pages of that book and allow the story to captivate my children, no shiny contraption, not even X-box can lure them from the magic currently igniting their imaginations.

At the close of each chapter, both children chime, "One more, mommy, please!"  Though dishes pile in the sink, laundry overflows its basket, and dust sits on the furniture, I, too, am drawn into the tale and give in to my children's pleas.  (My family has this quirky inability to put down a good book until it's finished.)  Though, they are both capable of finishing the story on their own, I wouldn't miss this time with them, so I continue to read until we reach the final page.  For four hours, we lose ourselves in the world of a girl and her furry companion.  I close the book and resume my housecleaning, leaving behind a lively discussion of the novel, two voices excitedly reminiscing about the highlights of this charming book.

I join the conversation briefly, asking, "How did Opal use her loneliness to help others?" My children ponder for a moment then offer astute answers.  We talk about how we can apply Opal's kindness to our own daily lives and think of examples of people we know who face loneliness and how we can help to ease their melancholy.  In a few minutes, A and C rush off to play, and I'm left to meditate on a morning spent sharing a story with my children.

Reading aloud to my children is one of my greatest joys as a parent.  I'm serious.  I love stories.  I love hearing stories and telling stories.  Even as an adult, I never tire of stories.  As a child, I would walk through my back yard, past Mr. Ritchie's house, to my great-aunt Flap's where I would sit on her porch and listen to her tell stories.  I could sit there for hours.  Many of my favorite childhood memories involve her lemonade, cookies, and yarns.  Every time I recall sitting on that porch, I'm filled with a warmth and comfort that transcends the years; I'm transported to the glorious, carefree world
of childhood, and instantly the heaviness and weariness of whatever the adult world is currently pressing onto my shoulders is immediately lightened.  Stories, in their own magical way, do just that, and that's what I want to share with my children each time we sit together and read.

As an educator, I cannot adequately stress the importance of reading aloud to children of all ages.  I read aloud to my middle schoolers at least five minutes every day.  I read at least once during class to my writing students, seniors included, and they love it.  If I ever need to capture the attention of a class, I grab a book and introduce a snippet of a new world to my students.  Without fail, that book usually tags along home with at least one student who must finish the story, even the most reluctant of readers.  I could go on and on about the educational benefits of reading aloud and did in this post. For this post, I want to focus on the benefits of reading aloud as a parent.

I'm no parenting expert.  For the love, I don't feel qualified to offer any parenting advice, but I know the power of reading aloud from my experience as a child, a mom, and a teacher, and I've seen what those few minutes a day can do for my own relationship with my children.  Stories connect us.  Think about how many conversations you've had with peers and even strangers over a book you discover you've both read.  Every time I pull a book off the shelf and pull my children into my lap or next to my lap for my ten-year-old, we create a memory, a shared experience that can leave us both transformed.  It's a deliberate pause in my day to share something wonderful with my children.  Please don't think I read four hours a day to my children.  That's a lovely exception.  Many days it's one chapter or five minutes, but regardless of the amount of time, it's time my children and I cherish.  I will fail them in a million ways, but I pray when they think of me one day, they'll focus on these quiet moments.

Reading aloud also opens the door to meaningful conversations, especially with older children who are trying to navigate the awkwardness of middle school or the drama of high school.  Most books provide a meaningful theme for conversation.  My daughter and I read through the entire Harry Potter series together and what followed were important discussions on friendship, loyalty, peer pressure, and love.  Literary characters provide great examples of what to do and what not to do.  Those sometimes awkward conversations we'd like to have with our pre-teens and teens, those discussions that are often met with eye-rolling and sighing, can be held under the guise of discussing a great book together.  If the idea of reading a book aloud to your teenager is uncomfortable, read the same book as your child and discuss it together.  Sometimes pulling conversation out of my normally reserved daughter is difficult,  but a fail-proof method to start dialogue is to ask her about the book she's reading.  She will talk for hours.

Storytelling has been the means of preserving the memories of cultures for years, providing entertainment but also creating a shared thread that weaves together people across the ages.  Even Jesus used stories to challenge, to explain concepts, and to engage His followers.  Stories provide an entree into the hearts and minds of our children as they connect to favorite characters or are appalled by antagonists.  Reading aloud to our children is a critical way to connect with them long past the years of preschool and elementary school.  In those times where our children claim to crave independence but desperately still need our guidance and attention, a book provides the key to connecting and to enjoying our kids, not to mention the fostering of a lifelong love of reading.

My children and I have a list of about fifty books we'd like to read together, and while each novel provides an unknown adventure for us to share, it also offers a memory to be created, a bond to be forged, a life to be changed.  I challenge you to create a list with your kids and carve out the time to read together.  Those five minutes a day could forever enhance your relationship with your child.

Why Is It So Hard to Say No?

In the past week I've had separate conversations with two dear friends that centered around our inability to say no to basically anyone who requests our help.  We laughed about how we have no idea how to set boundaries or create margin in our lives then our laughter dissolved into silent tears of frustration.  Ok, maybe that was just me.  I noticed that what my friends and I share are careers that involve helping children, and seriously, it is very difficult to decline a request to help a child, but we also all genuinely love others and enjoy helping, yet each of us realizes that our failure to say no is costing us our well-being and in some small ways, our sanity.

I left my conversations wondering what it is about me that refuses to utter the word no when I desperately need to say it, and I came up with a list, which is quite an accomplishment since I fail to ever create one for the grocery.  I can't imagine that I'm alone, so I decided to share my list, a sort of kindred spirit expressing what I know many of us would like to say.  Because, frankly, I think this is a girl thing.  I think our taking on incessant requests goes to the heart of who we are as women, and girls, I think we need to realize that "no" is not a four-letter word.  So, here's why I can't say no:

1.  I'm afraid of what other people will think of me.

Yes, this one tops the list.  Who wants to be considered selfish, mean, unkind, thoughtless?  Each time I weigh wether or not to accept a request, I run through a litany of what the person will think of me if I say no.  I KNOW.  Shallow, weird, pathetic of me, but I'm aware of the problem.  I want people to like me, to think I'm nice, kind, accommodating, superwoman.....  It's easy to tell me to not worry about what others will think, but putting that into practice is difficult for me.

2.  I'm afraid if I say no once or twice, people will stop asking me.

I enjoy helping others; I really do, but there are times I really cannot physically or mentally handle another demand on my time.  If I say no, I fear that I won't be asked to be part of something that can really help someone else, and that saddens me.

3.  Sometimes my friends and family need me, and I really love my friends and family and don't want to let them down.  If my life is filled with 60 hour work weeks that leaves me no time to assist the people I love. 

4.  I'm afraid I'll disappoint someone, hurt her feelings, put her in a precarious situation.

5.  I'm afraid if I turn away clients my phone will stop ringing, and I love and need my job.

I've chosen a career path that involves helping others.  I chose it deliberately for that purpose.  I love teaching; few things bring me greater joy than seeing a child finally grasp a concept.  If I start saying no to new students, I fear word will get out and people will stop calling.

6.  I feel selfish and guilty every time I turn someone who needs me away.  It's as if I am personally responsible for his/her success and well-being. 

So there they are.  The top six reasons I have trouble saying no....but I need to learn to say no.  I've been putting in almost 60 hour work weeks.  Perhaps not physically at the office, but my jobs also require planning, research, grading, returning calls, etc.  Like all of us, I also have church and volunteer commitments, and my children participate in sports.  I also homeschool my children, and oh, yes, I'm married.  A nagging foot injury that's been slow to heal has added doctors' visits and physical therapy to a schedule that's already busting at the seams.  And you know what, I am just like every other mom in this country.  I'm not unique or special in my struggle.  This is our shared story of overcommitment which leaves us overwhelmed and overly-spent.  Why do we continue to do this to ourselves, girls?  Why?  It's time to stop, so in addition to my previous list, I've come up with a list of reasons we need to stop.

1.  Every time we say yes to someone else, we say no to our own families.

I am my children's mommy first.  They need me to be present, to be fully there with them and not distracted, annoyed, stressed, and overwhelmed.  My sweet little ones are not an item to be checked off the daily to-do list.  They are precious treasures entrusted to me by a loving God who expects me to reflect His love to them every day.  They and their father are my most important earthly priority and it is high-time I lived that truth.  

2.  When we refuse to say no, we might be robbing someone else the joy of saying yes.

I began reading a book titled The Best Yes about a year ago.  Perhaps, I should finish it.....but from what I managed to read, I gathered the basic premise is that we should be picky about our yeses.  Not that we should turn down everything and sit at home and do nothing, but that we should carefully consider when to accept a request and when to graciously say no.  The author made a point that resonated which was sometimes we rob the "right" person of the job.  It isn't our responsibility to take on everything and by doing so, perhaps we are preventing someone from serving God in a particular capacity that's meant for that person.  We accept the job grudgingly and resent the person who asked. What if there's someone eager and willing and excited about helping out in that specific way.  Your no may open the door to someone else's ideal yes.

3.  When we take on too many responsibilities, it is impossible to perform any of them to our best ability, so we end up giving less than our best.  At some point we are going to drop the ball.

I can perform a few tasks well.  When I'm tutoring thirty students a week, teaching six classes, and writing five articles, I'm giving my best to none of those, and ultimately, I let someone down.  The child who needs my all receives a distracted tutor who can't stop yawning, much less focus on complicated Algebra.  I wake up every morning in a cold sweat wondering what I forgot to do the day before or what I'm forgetting to do that day.  It's awesome.  Really, love living this way.

4.  We are hurting our health, and if we don't take care of ourselves, it is absurd to think we can take care of someone else.  

Our health and sanity matter.  My middle sister quietly takes on tasks and stoically performs each one, never complaining.  That gene skipped me.  I'm outspoken, verbal, and wear my heart on my sleeve.  Both of us are hurting our health each time we add a new, often unnecessary stressor to our day.  We each have physical manifestations of our inner struggles with stress.  Lately, I've find myself wavering between wanting to cry.....I mean sob like a baby.....and wanting to throw a tantrum....full-on lying in the floor, kicking, screaming.  I imagine it would take place in the kitchen, where my children's usually take place.  I'd kick the cabinet open and closed, maybe rattle a pot or pan.  If the foot injury would heal, much of this could be solved with a good run, but the point is it affects my health and my mood.  Depression and anxiety seep in to an already stressful workload,  my head aches, and I'm not my best.  I'm my worst, and that's not good for anyone.  

5.  When we say yes to everything, it leaves no time to say yes to the things we really want to do.   Plus, it sets a poor example for our own children to see us relentlessly occupying our days with nothing but obligations.

I've recently begun to write, not just for fun, but also for employment.  It's a dream of mine to write, and I've finally been given an opportunity to perhaps pursue it more seriously, but there's rarely time.  My children need to see me pursuing big dreams to give them the courage to pursue their own.  I need to take the time to nurture hobbies to share gifts that I cultivated in my downtime.  If I never have downtime then I don't have time to chase non-work related dreams and goals.  I need to set a better example of work-family-recreational balance in my life for my own children, so they don't
grow into careworn adults whose lives are filled with stress and commitments.  

6.  Saying no doesn't mean that we love the person any less or that we don't grasp the gravity of her need.

7.  Our inability to say no reveals a lack of trust in God.

This last one hits me between the eyes.  When I take on everything, as if the survival of the world depends on me, I'm telling God, either I don't need you or I don't trust you to handle it.  I say yes because there can't possibly be anyone else to handle the task.  How preposterous is that?  I'm not trusting God to provide for me or for the person who needs help.  Sometimes, I am the provision but not always.  There are times I take on a new student when I know my schedule can't handle it, when I know it puts my husband in a bind, and frustrates my children because I'm afraid we might one day need the income.  Rather than follow my gut and decline, I say no to God, no to trusting in His provision, and foolishly try to control every situation on my own.  If I truly trusted God, I'd trust His divine will, His provision, His leading, and graciously say no, but I don't.  At the crux of it all is a faith issue, a heart issue that reveals a lack of faith.  Sometimes, friends, saying no to others, even those we love, is saying yes to God.  

This struggle is real for me, and I know it is real for the countless number of friends I have who are flustered, frazzled, and haggard, who collapse into bed at night wondering if this is it.  Is life meant to be this overwhelming all the time?  Are we as moms never meant to enjoy the little things, to relish in the little moments, to cherish small snippets of quiet solitude?  I don't believe God meant for it to be this way.  He isn't harried, rushed, or frantic.  Look at the slow, deliberate, un-rushed patterns in nature.  God is never in a frenetic hurry.  So, I'm looking to the Creator who incorporated Sabbath rest into His own schedule.  

This summer I'm saying no.  I even have an accountability partner, my youngest sister, who I  texted last night a tirade of tiredness.  I usually text her in those moments of coming apart because she allows me to say anything I want and promises to not have me committed.  We agreed to hold each other accountable in this fight.  So, this summer, I'm doing what I love, not in a selfish-all-about-me way but in a restorative way that renews me to better serve in the fall.  I'm recharging my spirit and reprioritizing my no's and yeses, so I can serve where I truly believe God wants me.  I'm spending time with my husband and children and family and friends.  I'm writing, which I love.  I'm gardening.  I'm improving my home.  I'm choosing to live at a pace I can manage.  I'm choosing to help those who really, really need me.  And if I survive this quiet, sacred pace this summer, I may even continue it in the fall.  I hope you'll join me.....