I Resolve

I'm what you might call a resolution reject.  Before those tiny conversation hearts line the shelves of the local CVS in anticipation of Valentine's, I'm already reeling from the reality of broken resolutions.  Last year, I resolved to be less distracted and more present.  This lasted until the first play of the National Championship game.  My resolution to be more organized made it until it was my turn to put away the laundry.  This year's proposed resolution to not over schedule myself didn't even see the light of day since I filled in my January schedule before my kids had uttered the phrase "trick or treat."  So, this year, I simply haven't had the heart to put myself through the disappointment of writing down a list of lofty goals that won't make it to the first snowfall before they are lining the bottom of my kitchen trash can.

Rather than resolve, I've decided to discover.  I'm taking the time I'd normally spend writing about my plans for self-improvement and attempting to dig deeply and determine why my good intentions spiral into chaos by President's Day.  The theme of my resolutions for the past five years could be summed up in the phrase: simplify, slow down, learn to say no.  I find that my issue isn't necessarily a lack of discipline; it's a lack of time.  I don't have time to work diligently on resolutions or self-improvement.  I realize I'm given the same amount of time as everyone else on the planet, but I seem to be able to fill every single free second with an obligation despite promising myself that I won't do it this time.  It's as if I have some busyness disorder that is only satisfied when I'm running myself ragged.  Quite frankly, it's left me weary.

What should be some of the happiest, liveliest years of my life have suddenly become days I simply find myself trying to "get through."  If I can just get through the holidays, then I'll have time to focus on what matters.  If I can get through this next session of ACT students, then I can slow down and focus on my little ones.  My life has become a series of "get throughs" and I'm not ever finding myself on that magical other side.  Even more frustrating, the moments I'm getting through are good things.  My life is filled with good things:  an amazing husband, two wonderful children, a great part-time teaching position, a thriving tutoring business, family, friends, church.  But I find I'm never present because my mind is always anticipating the next meeting, lesson, play, practice, meal, appointment.  Even when I drop in bed to sleep, I'm awakened by the thoughts of items left undone. Rather than enjoying the life I treasure, I'm anxiously anticipating my next obligation, wondering if I've fallen short of someone's expectations.

Expectations!  That's it....maybe.  I'm an overachiever.  Most of my life has been spent working toward ambitious goals, not satisfied with simply reaching the goal.  My competitive nature finds me striving to excel in everything I do.  It isn't enough to simply show up; I really do attempt to give my best effort in everything I undertake.  The problem is, when I over commit, I'm bound to drop a ball or two.  For example, my son shows up to his play wearing lime green pants and a black t-shirt when he was supposed to be in a white turtleneck and jeans.  When do I notice this oversight?  In the middle of his performance.  I'm supposed to provide a meal for a friend.  When I finally remember five minutes before time, forget homemade; I'm scrambling for takeout.  It seems now the harder I strive the more that is expected.

Have you considered the ridiculous expectations that are presently placed on moms?  Rearing responsible children isn't good enough anymore.  We are expected to work full time, parent full time, run marathons, look good in running tights, preside over the PTO, teach Sunday school, grow a garden, volunteer, room mom, plan, shop, and create meals, take children to practice, pick them up, help with homework, maintain a home that looks like it could be in Better Homes and Gardens, all while looking as if we just jumped out of a photo shoot at J. Crew.  And that's the minimum expectation.  The more we do the more that is expected.  Don't believe me?  Attempt to explain that you need to get out of an obligation because you have too much on your plate.  Eye rolling followed by, "We are all too busy these days, aren't we?"  There are days I feel like I am surrounded by super moms who make all of this look effortless.  Stop it ladies.  Seriously, stop it, you're killing those of us who forget we are wearing pajamas until we are checking out at Publix or those of us who think shoving our children's toys under the bed suffices as cleaning.

Clearly, I have a problem.  I struggle with meeting expectations and with worrying about what others think of me.  And, I'll admit that when you explain to people you run a business, home school your kids, and actually used your crockpot once this month, the looks of admiring shock feel good.  The "how do you pull it off" question makes you feel a bit like supermom until you realize that it...IS....KILLING.....YOUR.....SPIRIT.  The things that feed my soul:  praying, reading, writing, running, lazing around with my family; these things have felt like guilty indulgences that I can't afford for too long.  So for me, this must be the year where I resolve to remember that I perform for an audience of one......God.  When my pride and ego have me roaring down the track of over-commitment, I must slam on the brakes and ask myself, "Does this glorify God?"  "Does this jeopardize the health and happiness of my marriage or family?"  Because this life can't be about me and about living up to everyone else's expectations, it has to be about HIM.

This year has to be a year where I stop allowing the comparison trap to rob me of my joy.  It has to be the year where I learn to say no to anything that doesn't edify my relationship with Christ and with my family.  I'm faced with decisions everyday, where I must pick between usually several very good opportunities, even opportunities to help others, but I must learn to choose the best yes and feel comfortable saying no.  What if I'm missing the one, truly great opportunity God has placed before me because I'm too busy committing to everything that comes my way?  What if I'm settling for good instead of great?  God is a big God, and it's time I learn that He can do anything He wants without me.  If I say no, maybe that gives the right person the opportunity to say yes.

Girls, I believe we fall victim to this much more than our guys, so let's do this together.  Let's agree moms that it's okay to wear jogging pants to Publix, that it's all right to not look like Emma Watson or Evangeline Lily every time we walk out the front door, that it's just fine to shop for our kids at Target, that sweet potato fries are vegetables, that some days adequate must be good enough, that none of us have it all together.  Let's stop pretending.  (Really, stop pretending, I need someone else to admit that they too have occasional bladder issues when they sneeze or cough while running or jumping on the trampoline.) Let's stop over committing, let's stop judging, and start encouraging each other to make choices that are best for our family.  It's okay to say no to good things because that means we can say yes to the best things...to the things that feed our soul, that feed our family's soul, and that feed our relationship with God.  Let's resolve to do that this year.

When In Doubt

Papers lie scattered across the table.  A stack of books lean precariously on the edge of the dining room table, tottering so that one sudden movement would send them tumbling to the floor.  The table resembles my daughter's disorganized, lack of attention to school today.  I grab The Story of the World:  Middle Ages, which serves as A's history book, her favorite subject, and prepare to read today's lesson, hoping to draw her attention back to learning.  Our reading is on Muhammad and the founding of the Islamic religion.  I make an attempt to explain how Islam differs from Christianity when A suddenly says, "Mommy?" then turns her head away shyly.

I pause and respond, "Yes?"

"Never mind," is her quiet reply.  She rests her head onto her folded arms, turned away so that I cannot clearly see her face.  I notice a small tear slip off her elbow and puddle onto the table.

"What is it, Pumpkin?  You know you can tell Mommy anything."  She shakes her head "no" and continues to stare in the opposite direction.  I pull her into my lap and give her a moment.  "

Are you sure you don't want to tell me what's on your mind?"

She begins then hesitates.  I smile encouragingly and wait for her to continue.  "Sometimes I don't believe Jesus is real."  My heart changes its rhythm, and I feel a heavy thump that resonates almost audibly in my ears.  Her tears slowly morph from a trickle to a stream.  Lord, I'm going to need help with this one, I silently pray.

Here is where the old me would have panicked.  The old me would have said in an uncomfortable voice about five octaves too high, "What do you mean you don't always believe Jesus is real?  How could you not believe?  Haven't we taught you all you need to know, given you all the evidence? Of course, He is real.  You have to believe in Jesus to go to heaven"  Inside, I would have been shouting in my head, "WHAT??  My baby girl is bound for eternal damnation.  What did I do wrong?  ARRRGH!!!"  I would have proceeded to worry incessantly about the soul of my child.  Ahh, the old me was so much fun.

The old me would have, in that moment, shut down any meaningful dialogue that could have occurred between my daughter and me about doubts, questions, faith, and the immense love of a magnanimous, wonderful God.  But, because in the past fifteen years, I have wrestled with my own questions and struggled through my own doubts, I understand that God is big enough to handle these moments.  Actually, it's through the desert seasons, the seasons where it seems that He is anywhere but near where I have drawn closer to Him and emerged with a faith stronger than when I felt I had all the answers to the questions.

The old me would have demonstrated to my daughter what a faithless walk resembles.  A faith that panics rather than trusts, a faith that is unable to acknowledge that the same God who loves and created me holds my own children safely in His hands and who desires them to know Him and come to an authentic, meaningful faith in Him, not a shallow, shaky faith that seeks only to trust enough to receive a "get out of hell free" card.  The deep sort of faith is often built on withstanding the storms, wrestling with the questions, and seeking to discover the truth for oneself, not merely riding in on the coattails of a parent's faith.  That isn't the kind of genuine faith that is going to transform the hearts and minds of my children.  While my daughter has prayed, of her own asking, to repent and to receive Christ, her transformation will not take place overnight, and while I do see evidence of Jesus working in her heart, she will still have moments where she questions, sometimes even the veracity of her own beliefs.

I think as Christians we so desperately long for our children to come to faith in Christ that we panic anytime they express doubts or ask tough questions.  We seem to believe that we have an all-or-nothing- one-shot chance at bringing our kids to salvation, and if we miss that chance, all hope is lost, so we rush our kids to make commitments and say prayers they may not be ready to pray.  Faith is a lifelong journey not a moment, and on that journey, our children will express doubts.  That's part of the growing process.  I cannot ask my daughter to accept my faith blindly and to not ask questions or to not find Jesus in her own way.  That moment isn't entirely up to me.  It is my job to prepare the soil and plant the seeds, but it is the Holy Spirit's job to convict and draw her into a true relationship.

I'm reminded of the man who came to Jesus seeking help for his son and Jesus said, "Everything is possible to the one who believes."  Immediately the man cries out, "I do believe!" Yet, in the next breath exclaims, "Lord, help my unbelief."  He longs to believe but realizes that he needs Jesus's help to do that.  Jesus doesn't scold him but rather heals the man's son, an act that would surely help the man overcome his doubts.  I also think of John the Baptist, Jesus's cousin, the one whose life mission was to prepare the way, who is in prison and asks of Jesus, "Are you the one or shall we look for another?"  Does Jesus condemn John for his doubts?  No, he gently reassures John's faith, "Tell John what you have seen; the blind receive their sight, the lame walk, lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised up, and the poor have the gospel preached to them."   I imagine that if John had doubts, we, too, can expect to have moments of questioning.  I think we can trust Jesus to reassure the faith of our own children, as well.  When the prodigal son goes through a crisis of faith, the Father allows him to struggle, to even hit rock bottom, but when the son arrives at his moment of clarity, the Father welcomes him home with open arms.  Great men and women of faith have struggled with doubt and faith and were given a safe place in which to wrestle through their unbelief.  I believe the same grace offered to them allows me to offer that same safe place to my own children.

So the new me, the me who has been running this race for a long time, sometimes beaten up and bruised from the pace and from the terrain, pulls my daughter closer.  "You know, Pumpkin, Mommy wouldn't ask you to believe something that I don't believe with my whole heart.  You know what else?  I've had doubts before, too."

"Really?" she asks.  I can see visible evidence of her relief at knowing that she isn't the only person to ever question faith in Jesus.  We spend the next few moments discussing the evidence for Christ's birth, death, resurrection, all the people who witnessed His time on earth after the resurrection, and those who witnessed the Ascension.  A and I even have an opportunity to talk about all the disciples and martyrs who risked their lives or even lost their lives to preach the Gospel.  I assure her that I can't imagine they would stake their lives on something that wasn't true.  We, on her level, talk about why the penalty of sin is death, and I get to remind her again of the beauty of the Gospel, that Jesus paid her debt in full.  I use the example of her walking into a store and not having the money to buy an item and a kind stranger pays for the item, refusing to be paid back.   She asks me if I know about the book Heaven Is for Real, which opens up a discussion about what it must be like to look into Jesus's incredible eyes of love.

After a few moments, we resume school, but before we do, we bow our heads, and I pray over my daughter, that Jesus would reveal himself to her and strengthen her faith and reassure her.  And I believe He will because I believe that the most amazing thing about God's grace is that, once we believe, He doesn't offer us the amazing gift of eternal life, somewhere in the future, then leave us where we are.  No, He gives us the Holy Spirit to transform us into new people who receive eyes of mercy, love, and grace and then allows us to go transform the world with His story.  So rather than fill my child's heart with fear, I hope I gave her a sense of the grace that Jesus offers us, the grace to safely question, wrestle, and eventually, come to a place of authentic belief and faith, the kind of faith that radically transforms her heart then the world.

Summer Reading

As the temperature rises so does our anticipation of everything summer:  swimming, trips to the beach, cookouts, camp outs, catching fireflies on a clear, starry night.  While reading might not top the list of summer expectations, some of my fondest summer memories include losing myself in the pages of a book.  I spent summers hanging out with Scout, Lucy, Huck, and Margaret.  Yes, I also enjoyed time with real, live people, but to me, the characters on the pages were as real as a neighbor, and their quandaries always provided insight into solving my own authentic dilemmas.  Summer also meant swinging lazily on my grandmother's front porch swing, book in hand, or riding my bike to my great-aunt's house, eager to sit on her front porch and discuss our latest read.  Cookies and lemonade always complemented our serious discussions on character analysis and unexpected plot twists.  Often, she would throw in stories of her own, usually more entertaining than a best-seller.  Summer wasn't summer without a list of books to savor on those lazy, humid afternoons.

As a language arts teacher, I'm often asked by parents for recommendations of good books for summer reading. I'll share my list, which includes my favorites and recommendations from others, in a moment, but first, I wanted to address the importance of, not just summer reading, but reading in general.  Sometimes summer reading can seem like another item to add to an ever-growing checklist, yet reading may just be the most important item on that summer checklist when it comes to preparing your child for future academic success.  As an ACT/SAT tutor, the question I hear most often by parents of children of all ages is, "What is the one thing I can do to improve my child's scores?"  The answer:  Read to your children and make sure they read to themselves.  Not that higher ACT/SAT scores should be the end goal, it's just a question I'm asked almost daily.

Tom Parker, former admissions director of Amherst College, tells parents, "The best SAT preparation course in the world is to read to your children in bed when they're little.  Eventually, if it's a wonderful experience for themselves, they'll start to read for themselves" (Trelease, xiii).  In The Read -Aloud Handbook, Jim Trelease, who interviewed Parker for his book, shares that "Parker told me he's never met a student with high verbal SAT scores who wasn't a passionate reader."  In my work, I can tell within minutes of working with a student whether he or she likes to read and whether or not he/she reads often, and the students who succeed in raising their scores are the ones who have read consistently throughout their lives. This result tends to be true for most forms of standardized testing.  Studies find students who read regularly score higher than those who don't.

While we often blame schools when our children fall behind in reading, research shows that "the seeds of reading and school success are sown in the home, long before the child ever arrives at school" (xvii).  In homes where parents read to their children and read themselves, children show a much higher interest in books:  78.6% if the child is read to by parents, 80.4% if the mom reads the paper, 95.2% if the mother reads novels.  It's not just important for us to read to our children; it's also critical that we model reading for our children.  Eighty percent of the books in this country are read by 10% of the people (Healy, 23). Numbers like this suggest that, across the board, we are not setting a good reading example in the home. Consider the following from The Read-Aloud Handbook:

* Among fourth-graders, only 54% read something for pleasure every day.
*Among eight-graders, only 30% read for pleasure daily.
*By twelfth-grade, only 19% read anything for pleasure daily.

Time doesn't seem to be the issue because young adults between the ages of 15 and 19 report spending only 12 minutes a day reading, yet they are able to watch 2.23 hours of television (1).  I believe reading is one of the most critical components of academic success, and the experts I've read also emphasize its importance.  Reading aloud to children improves their reading, writing, speaking, listening, and attitudes about reading (xxiv).  It also "builds vocabulary, conditions the brain to associate reading with pleasure, creates background knowledge, provides a reading role model, and plants the desire to read.  One decline of students' recreational reading is that it coincides with a decline in the amount of time adults read to them." (Trelease, 6).  The U.S. Department of Education conducted research and released its findings in a report titled, A Nation of Readers.  They discovered that "the single most important activity for building knowledge required for eventual success in reading is reading aloud to children and it is a practice that should continue throughout the grades" (4).

According to Jim Trelease's research, "by eight grade, 24 percent of students are below the basic level in reading, 42% are at basic level, 25% are at proficient level, and only 3% are at advanced level" (5). One last fact before I move on:  Research confirms that students who read "regardless of gender, race, nationality, or socioeconomic background....read the best, achieve the most, and stay in school the longest" (6).  Readers are also more likely to succeed in the workforce.  Researcher Mark Taylor found that "reading is the only out-of-school activity for 16-year-olds that is linked to getting a managerial or professional job later in life....the positive associations of reading for pleasure aren't replicated in any other extracurricular activity, regardless of our expectations" (Miller, 318).  Establishing good reading habits also benefit children as they grow into adults, creating lifelong learners who know where to go when they need information.  And while these are all great reasons to encourage our children to read and to encourage us to read to our children, I like the reason that Donalyn Miller in The Book Whisperer gives:  Reading changes your life. Reading unlocks worlds unknown or forgotten, taking travelers around the world and through time.  Reading helps you escape the confines of school and pursue your own education.  Through characters-the saints and sinners, real or imagined, reading shows you how to be a better human being (18).

Hopefully, I've adequately made the case for just how important it is for us to both read to our children and to model reading for our children.  Practice is the key to proficiency, and summer offers the time and opportunity to practice.  For those of you thinking, "But my kid hates to read" or "I hate to read" don't fret.  Most studies I've read find that when parents read good books to children and provide good books for children to read, the child's interest is piqued, and reading usually becomes a more desirable activity.  I tend to read at least an hour a day to my children and assign a minimum of thirty minutes of silent sustained reading (SSR) each day.  At first, my daughter preferred only nonfiction and didn't like fiction very much. Wanting to encourage both, I read to her some of my favorite works of fiction, ones I knew she would enjoy, and within weeks, she was begging to read more fiction.  Reading aloud increased her desire to read and to read a wider variety of books.  She still loves nonfiction but is also learning to enjoy fiction, too.

Another benefit of reading aloud is that I'm able to read to my daughter books that are above her grade level, so she's exposed to a richer vocabulary and to more intricate plots.  I'm also able to provide background knowledge and offer insights that help her to better
understand the text.  During SSR, she is able to read at or below grade level to build confidence.  It takes time to read to my daughter, and like all working moms, I worry that I sometimes can't afford the time to read extensively to her, but with all of the proven benefits of reading aloud, how can I afford not to?

Now for the fun part!  What do I recommend for summer reading?  I like to offer a wide variety of texts to my children, including a mix of classics and contemporary literature.  Some experts recommend only reading the "good" stuff, but as a language arts teacher, I have watched students connect to a variety of texts and walk away with a deeper appreciation of and love for reading, so I am not a proponent of severely limiting literary choices.  I see value in quality young adult literature.  Once children are comfortable reading what some consider "dumbed down" texts, they usually are more willing to attempt more difficult literature.  I have also included texts recommended by Jim Trelease in The Read Aloud Handbook, selections from Donalyn Miller in her book The Book Whisperer, and selections recommended by Susan Wise Bauer in her book, The Well-Trained Mind.


This list is intended for younger and middle-grade children-2nd-8th grades, but as C. S. Lewis said,  "No book is really worth reading at the age of ten which is not equally- and often far more- worth reading at the age of fifty and beyond," so I think all ages will enjoy reading these beloved books!  This list is by no means exhaustive; it is a compilation of personal favorites and favorites of students I have taught over the years.  Two great resources for book lists are Jim Trelease's The Read-Aloud Handbook, which includes selections for younger children, and Donalyn Miller's Reading in the Wild.  Feel free to leave more suggestions in the comments!  The list is in no particular order; I just listed them as they came to mind.

My Top 50+ for Young to Middle Readers

1.  The Chronicles of Narnia- C. S. Lewis
I began reading these to my daughter in first grade, but she wasn't able to grasp them, yet.  I picked the books back up in second grade, and she loves them!

2.  Charlotte's Web and Stuart Little by E.B. White

3. Little Women Louisa May Alcott

4.  The Harry Potter series J.K. Rowling

5.  Aesop's Fables

6.  Books on Greek mythology (D'Aulaire's is a good one; there are also good children's translations of the Odyssey.  My daughter loves anything on Greek myths.)

7.   The Story of the World by Susan Wise Bauer.  These are fantastic non-fiction books on world history but told at a level children will enjoy and understand.  I use these as my daughter's social studies curriculum, and she loves them!

8.  Rikki-Tikki-Tavi Rudyard Kipling

9.  Biographies of great men and women make great read-alouds or SSR books.  My daughter's favorites include Helen Keller, Ruby Bridges, Susan B. Anthony, Florence Nightingale, Marie Curie, Thomas Edison, Neil Armstrong, etc.

10.  Baseball in April Gary Soto

11.  The Best Christmas Pageant Ever Barbara Robinson

12.  Because of Winn-Dixie Kate DiCamillo

13.  Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo

14. Series like The Magic Tree House, The Boxcar Children, Nancy Drew, Little House series by Laura Ingalls Wilder, Anne of Green Gables, Ten Girls Who Changed the World, Ten Boys Who Changed the World

15.  The Secret Garden Frances Hodgson Burnett

16.  Heidi Johanna Spyri

17.  The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn & The Adventures of Tom Sawyer Mark Twain

18.  Treasure Island Robert Louis Stevenson

19.  Books by Christopher Paul Curtis The Watson's Go to Birmingham and Bud, Not Buddy

20.  Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry Mildred Taylor

21. Hatchet Gary Paulsen

22. The City of Ember Jeanne Duprau

23.  Newberry Winners always make great reads:  The Westing Game, The View From Saturday, The Bronze Bow, A Year Down Yonder, Walk Two Moons, The Giver, Maniac Magee, Caddie Woodlawn are among favorites

24.  The Wednesday Wars by Gary Schmidt  This is one of my all-time favorites.

25.  Schooled by Gordon Korman

26.  Dear Mr. Henshaw and the Ramona Quimby series by Beverly Cleary

27.  Loser Jerry Spinelli

28.  To Kill A Mockingbird Harper Lee

29.  Mr. Popper's Penguins Richard and Florence Atwater

30.  Scorpions Walter Dean Myers

31.  Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and SuperFudge  really, anything by Judy Blume

32.  Where the Red Fern Grows Wilson Rawls

33.  The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom and The Diary of Anne Frank and Number the Stars by Lois Lowry and The Devil's Arithmetic by Jane Yolen and The Book Thief by Markus Zusak (all Holocaust books)

34.  Walk Two Moons Sharon Creech

35.  A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens  Other Dickens novels are also good read alouds; there are great children's versions of his novels.

36.  Surviving the Applewhites Stephanie Tolan

37.  Pictures of Hollis Woods Patricia Reilly Giff

38.  Inkheart Cornelia Funke

39.  The House of the Scorpion Nancy Farmer

40.  Eragon Christopher Paolini

41.  The Lightning Thief Rick Riordan

42.  Stormbreaker & other books in the Alex Rider series  Anthony Horowitz

43.  Gulliver's Travels Jonathan Swift I loved this book as a child

44.  The Adventures of Robin Hood and books about King Arthur

45.  Black Beauty Anna Sewell and The Black Stallion by Walter Farley

46.  Shakespeare, I know, right?  But, just like Greek mythology, there are excellent children's versions of his plays.  If they learn to love him now, it won't be such a struggle later

47.  Al Capone Does My Shirts Gennifer Choldenko

48.  The Hobbit and The Lord of the Ring books by J.R.R. Tolkein

49.  The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster

50.  The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame



Sources

Bauer, Susan Wise The Well-Trained Mind:  A Guide to Classical Education at Home

Healey, Jane M Endangered Minds

Miller, Donalyn Reading in the Wild: The Book Whisperer's Key to Cultivating Lifelong Reading Habits

Miller, Donalyn The Book Whisperer:  Awakening the Inner Reader in Every Child

Trelease, Jim The Read-Aloud Handbook

Homeschooling Challenges

Whenever someone finds out that I home school, I'm usually met with this standard response:  "I could never do that.  (Insert child's name here) and I would kill each other."  Since I usually know these moms very well and can assure you that they, nor their children, face any real mortal danger,  I usually smile and nod knowingly. Recently, when a friend asked how homeschooling was going she said, "I'd love to do that, but I'm afraid my daughter and I would kill each other,"  it hit me:  people must think that my daughter and I have a relationship that ensures our home school routine is smooth and pleasant.  Do they think we have somehow escaped the rigors of relationship battles that accompany schooling your own children?  Friends, I am here to assure you that is not the case.  I can assure you that my children and I battle on a pretty regular basis.

Those of us who are proponents of home school, I'm afraid, often present it as the cure for all that ails then remain mum on any of the challenges that often accompany the sometimes awkward, daily transition from mom to teacher back to mom.  I know I've failed to be entirely transparent with the struggles A and I have overcome to make home schooling work for us because I didn't want to deter from the prodigious benefits of this educational choice. That's not fair to the parents seriously weighing their options as they consider home schooling. While I remain steadfast in my role of home schooling's biggest cheerleader, I want those who make this choice to understand the considerable, yet surmountable, obstacles you'll face.

The first six months were the most challenging for my strong-willed daughter and me.  So many pencils flew through the air in frustration that I seriously considered posting a note on the door that said "Enter at Your Own Risk" or "Safety Helmet Required."  When she wasn't throwing pencils at the wall, she was breaking them in two, which I counted as strength training in P.E.  Why let good instruction go to waste?  There were a few days I sat watching her writhe in the floor ripping her paper into pieces because she couldn't grasp a concept, wondering how so many of her father's genes had worked their way into her personality.  On those days, I would call my husband.  Me:  I can't do this anymore.  What was I thinking?   Him:  That bad, huh.  Me, through sobs:  If  I started sprinting now, do you think I could run down the school bus?  Then, I would pray for guidance and strength, which God always graciously provided, and try a new approach.  Each day brought a better understanding of my new role in my daughter's life and though there were setbacks, especially when a new, difficult concept was introduced, A's attitude improved and my vision and philosophy of what our home school should be became clearer.

Part of my daughter's frustration lay in my misguided attempt to replicate school at home.  She wondered why I had removed her from the classroom and brought her home to another classroom that usually served as her comfortable, inviting home, a home where she was normally free to play.  She also wondered where her mommy had gone and who was this dictatorial drill sergeant barking commands.  It was an adjustment to have your mom suddenly become your teacher.  It was also difficult for me to transition into being both her mom and her teacher, though all parents serve in that capacity from the moment their little one is born, teaching them to speak, walk, write, etc..  For me, because I was concerned about what other people would think if A fell behind or wasn't achieving milestones as quickly as her peers, I became more concerned with her performance than with the process and inadvertently placed pressure on her to learn at the same pace her traditionally schooled-peers were learning.  Yet, the opportunity to learn at her natural pace in a way that suited her learning style is one of the things about homeschooling that appealed to us the most.

Once I began to trust my instincts and allowed A to have more say in what we studied and how we arranged our school day, her attitude improved dramatically.  When I made her part of the process, she saw that I respected her as an individual and valued her insights into how she learned.  I quit trying to imitate a traditional school classroom because as a home schooling parent, you aren't bound by the restrictions that must be implemented for a class of 25 students to function effectively.  Homeschooling isn't just school, in the traditional sense, at home.  It offers significant freedom, and once I began to loosen up, stop worrying about what others thought or expected, and trusted my knowledge of my daughter, my knowledge of education,  and my knowledge of her unique learning style, A and I battled much less frequently, and she progressed significantly.

This year has been much easier, especially now that we have settled into a routine that works for both of us and have accepted each other as teacher and student, but it doesn't mean that every day runs smoothly.  "Why do I need to learn to multiply?  Why do I have to know this?  When will I ever use this?  I don't understand what you mean."  are whined phrases that often resound, but who among us hasn't wondered the same thing? (Before I started tutoring algebra, I often wondered when on earth I would actually use it then voila. I now use it every day.)  Now, there is much less pencil throwing and fewer fits of frustration.  A is learning to better channel her exasperation into motivation to try harder, and I'm learning to really listen to my daughter.  Teaching her to write has been a challenge, but I now remind myself that it isn't something that has to be accomplished at this moment, and she usually learns most material quite well in her own time.  The minute I continue to push her when she clearly isn't ready the more likely she is to erupt into a meltdown.

So, yes, building an effective working relationship in home school is difficult but not impossible.  I definitely understand the friction that exists when parents attempt to help their child learn a new skill.  Aspects of that dynamic have actually helped me build my business as a professional tutor.  Yet, for parents who are seriously considering home schooling as an option, I don't want the conflict that will probably accompany the first six months to prevent them from going ahead with their plans.  Once the structure is outlined and our children clearly understand our expectations, and we work with our children to establish an educational model that best fits our family, home schooling begins to work beautifully.

I wouldn't trade those first rocky few months.  The obstacles A and I faced (and that I will soon face with C) actually strengthened our relationship and our understanding of each other.  It also revealed to me shortcomings in my own character.  I was often driven to my knees in prayer, which taught me to pursue a greater reliance on the Holy Spirit's guidance.  God's strength became perfect in my weakness, and He taught me how to parent in His power.  Those are lessons I don't believe I would have learned as effectively otherwise. Those struggles have also equipped me to openly share with other parents how demanding, yet rewarding home schooling can be.  Two years later, A and I are reaping the rewards of our hard work.  She is thriving in our new routine, and I'm allowed each day to observe with joy her excitement when she grasps a difficult problem or understands a new concept.  Rather than melting down in a puddle of frustration, she is now more likely to persevere.  I love being there to share the light bulb moments.  So, hang in there homeschooling moms, it will never be perfect, but it certainly gets easier.  And, if you think a perfect parent/child relationship is necessary to even considering pursuing this path, be heartened to know that very few, if any, homeschooling parents transitioned smoothly into their routine.  We've all wondered if we're cut out for this path.  I believe that if you feel God has called you to this lifestyle, then He will certainly equip you with the tools necessary to succeed.