Moment of Clarity

Running down 30-A, somewhere between Santa Rosa and Grayton Beach, it hits me, I've got a problem.  No, I hadn't torn an achilles or pulled a hamstring; the soothing salty air and sound of the pounding surf, along with a fresh dose of running endorphins, had provided a moment of clarity.  Lost in thought, I realize I am a people pleaser.  Not earth-shattering news for those who know me best.  What is groundbreaking about this particular epiphany is the realization that my particular personality quirk is responsbile for the last year of my over-stressed, over-worked, overwhelmed schedule and subsequent sense of angst.  People pleasing is costing me my peace of mind.

It isn't just an inability to say no to another ministry opportunity, to a student who needs help with preparing for the ACT, to a job opportunity that seems too good to pass up.  It is that my idea of being a "good" Christian has long been defined by saying yes to every need that may arise, where I have the opportunity to offer a solution or at the very least a helping hand.  For years, I've believed the more I give of my time, my expertise, my self, the more Christ-like I am becoming.  Let's say for instance I have a full-load of regular students who need tutoring plus 20 ACT students I'm helping for the big day, a daughter who needs help with her homeschooling lessons, a husband who'd like dinner that didn't come from the freezer, a son who wants Mommy to help put together a space puzzle, a lesson that needs to be planned for the classes I teach at the homeschool co-op, a house that has dust bunnies that could be confused with our Golden Retriever, and one more student calls desperate for ACT help at the last minute (because that happens about once a week).  What do I do?  I find two hours in my schedule at 9:00 pm and hope that Starbucks is still open until 11:00 p.m. because that's what Jesus would do, right?  Isn't giving of self until there's nothing left to give the essence of Christian service? And isn't that what people expect?  After all, what would everyone think if I said no?

Although I may not truly "believe" this deep down, it's the way I've lived my life for the past two years, so if I don't believe it, I am certainly living as I do.  Perhaps it is the relaxing pace of a beach vacation, perhaps it is because today is the first time I've found a moment for exercise in the past month, or perhaps it is the first time I've quieted my mind long enough to listen, but the Holy Spirit spoke to me on my run, gently but firmly.  He reminded me that Jesus did not run aimlessly in circles throughout Jerusalem holding up his hand to volunteer for every need that might arise.  Jesus was deliberate in his mission.  He also found time to be alone for prayer and restoration.  After feeding the five thousand, "[Jesus] made his disciples get into the boat and go ahead of him to the other side of Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd.  After He said good-bye to them, He went away to the mountain to pray.  When evening came, the boat was in the middle of the sea, and He was alone on land."  Mark 6: 45-47.  After a long day of ministry, Jesus took time to be alone with God to pray and to rest.

The Holy Spirit also reminded me that God, too, rested after creating the earth, even though as the all-powerful Almighty He didn't need to rest.  His act serves as an example for us, an example so powerful that ultimately God declared the Sabbath as a Holy day of rest to be strictly followed by the Jews as part of the Levitical law.  It was so important that anyone not observing the Sabbath could be put to death.  Granted, we are no longer bound by the law, the Sabbath example serves as a reminder that in God's plan for our life is included a day for renewal.  The past two years, there have been times I've worked 40+ days in a row, not a very good example to my children when I ultimately try to explaining to them the importance of the Sabbath.

As I continue my run, I reflect on my mood and my state of mind for the past two years and realize a burned-out Mommy does not make a very good servant no matter how well-intentioned the service may be.  It creates a stressed, short-tempered, distracted, sometimes weepy Mommy who reflects more of an aimless wanderer than a woman living and modeling for my children the abundant life. 

I also came to what may be the biggest epiphany of my run: that my service to others isn't always simply grounded in selfless service; often, it is motivated by what other people might think of me if I don't say yes.  What will everyone think if I am not superwoman?   The Holy Spirit also took a moment in my run, yes, it was a long run, to remind me that Jesus didn't particularly care what others thought.  The people you'd think He would have wanted to impress the most, the leaders of the church, were the ones He seemed to impress the least.  But, that's just it, as One who came to serve, not be served, Jesus served from pure motives, not because He was trying to win favor or look good.  He tells us in John 8:29, "The One who sent Me is with Me.  He has not left Me alone, because I always do what pleases Him."  Jesus was here to please God not man, and I realize that my race has not been the one Paul refers to in 1 Corinthians; mine resembles a hamster on a wheel not really progressing in any direction, pleasing no one, serving few, yet constantly in desperate motion.  Jesus later tells his disciples in that same chapter that "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." 

On a beautiful covered bridge in Santa Rosa, Florida, God spoke the truth, and I came to see that Jesus and I need to do this more often because He had a lot of truth to deliver, some uncomfortable, unflattering, and unsettling, yet profound, loving, and necessary.  We also need to do this more often because I am sorely out of shape both physically and spiritually.  The truth is I need to stop burning the candle at both ends simply to please man and need to reorder my priorities and eliminate all that isn't part of His plan for my abundant life. This vacation is serving as an opportunity to reflect and reevaluate what that means for my family as I relinquish several work responsibilities and begin a new chapter that includes beginning our homeschooling adventure.