Dear Mom of a Strong-willed child,
Hi, I see you there hiding in the bathroom with the door closed, crouched in fetal position, rolling back and forth on the floor, cataloging every rotten thing you ever did to your parents, wondering if any of those are the cause of this madness, while your child rampages through the house like a little Napoleon charging through Europe. The question "why" scrolls through your mind like the ticker on the bottom of the nightly news. The voices, those outside your head and those inside, condemn you for not being good enough, strong enough, disciplined enough. I know you watch in horror as your sweet angel goes from compliant to defiant in a nanosecond, leaving you feeling baffled and ill-equipped.
You battle insecurity, wondering if you are the only person who ever feels this helpless, hopeless, inadequate, unprepared, unequipped, unhinged, alone. Is it you? Is it something she ate? Is it something you ate during pregnancy? I see you sobbing into the soft fold of your elbow as you collapse face-down into the dining room table, tears rolling gently onto the well-worn copy of
The Difficult Child, wondering if your child will ever outgrow this stage. You look at your shoes in shame when she comes unglued in public, stealing glances at all the other moms, wondering how they
manage to keep their children on the straight and narrow. Your child is five and you already wonder how you are going to handle those tricky teenage years, if you can't even handle a kindergartner. I see you, and I'm here to tell you that you are not alone.
I am the mom of a difficult, strong-willed, spirited daughter. There's a litany of terms to describe the 10-15% of children that drive their parents to their knees at least once a week in defeat or in prayer. I prefer to refer to my girl as spirited, so that's my term of choice from this point forward. Listen, 85-90% of the population cannot relate to us, so for now, let's just leave them to their angels and discuss ours. This is not a post to let you know that I've got this all figured out. No, friend, this is a post of camaraderie, an I've-got-your-back sister, I'm here for you. And, ultimately, it's a post to share some insight into what I've learned along the way.
First of all, your dear darling was wired this way. For most spirited children, it's a matter of temperament. Sure, parenting can exacerbate or decelerate some spirited tendencies in children, but for the most part, to quote Lady Gaga, your baby girl or boy was born this way. Let me share my experience. My daughter throttled out of the womb and into the world with an intensity that said, "I am here; hear me roar." My spirited child could shatter glass with her vocal chords at two weeks. I do not exaggerate when I say that I did not sleep a full night for over two years. Friends suggested cry-it-out. Five days later, I had my arm draped over her crib, head languishing on my arm resembling a cast member of
The Walking Dead. My little bit lay red-faced and screaming with as much vigor as she had on day one of our little Ferber-izing session. The only one crying it out was me. A-1. Mommy-0. My husband and I would lie her in the crib then crawl out
on our stomachs like navy seals exiting enemy territory only to sleepwalk back in five minutes later when her wail raised the roof. I remember visiting my pediatrician who commented on my zombie-like appearance. When I explained A's behavior, he commented that I had my work cut out for me and recommended a medication for reflux. Needless to say, the only person with gastric issues was mommy.
Once I dropped her off at a friend's so I could grab a few seconds of a coveted nap, but before my
head could feel the sweet embrace of my pillow, the phone rang and my friend's desperate plea on the other end sounded, "I can't do anything with her. She won't stop crying. You have to come get her." I don't remember the drive there or back, but I'm pretty sure I was bawling. My husband and I would seek sweet relief at church only to have the sermon interrupted by the nursery pager and the desperate, "You have to come calm your child." I attended bible study at a local church, where without fail, before Beth Moore's big hair could fill the screen, a haggard nursery attendant would whisper from the door, "Mrs. Johnson, A won't stop crying." For the love!
Rather than calming down as she grew older, my spirited wonder's temperament intensified. Now, at bible study, nursery workers called my attention to her aggressive behavior toward other little ones and she was only 18-months-old. This is the child who ran up to another toddler on the playground, grabbed her hair, and would not let go despite the desperate pleas of me and the other child's mom. When one of my best friends brought her sweet girl to visit, A pushed her down. My husband and I read and studied and attempted a variety of discipline methods. Eventually, my girl matured and grew into a really delightful girl, but her temperament continued to be wild shifts of intensity followed by periods of calm. Fast-forward to age nine, where her tantrums now appear only once every few months, but when they do, bless the parent who crosses her path.
What I've learned about spirited children is that they are very sensitive, intense, persistent, and impulsive.
The Difficult Child presents the following questions in its introduction: Do you find your child hard to raise? Do you find your child's behavior hard to understand? Are you often battling your child? Do you feel inadequate or guilty as a parent? Is your family life sometimes affected by your child? I can answer most of these with a "yes" on many days, and I imagine you can, too. What has been freeing for me is understanding that my child is normal, perfectly normal, she's just more impulsive, distractible, intense, irregular, persistent, less adaptable, and more sensitive than most children. Research has shown that this 10-15% of children require a different approach in parenting than the more easy-going 85% out there, those like my son.
Understanding how temperament plays into your child's behavior will help you better understand how to parent your little firecracker. So, if it took you two years to find a pair of jeans your child would actually wear, ones that weren't too icky, scratchy, with a button that wasn't too hard, etc., or if you've ever spent four hours trying to find a pair of flip-flops that didn't hurt, or if exposing your child to a new experience can send her into a downward spiral, then welcome to my world, and here are a few tips that help me manage those days when I want to turn in my resignation as a mom, and yes, I've actually wanted to do this. If anyone tells you it's wrong to feel this way or that they have never felt this way, then they are raising some kind of Stepford children, so ignore them and move on.
1. Parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had.
I know this may sound harsh, but it has been critical for me as the mom of a spirited child. It is okay to mourn the idea of the child you had when you carried her in your womb, the compliant child who shared your interests and didn't complain about the way a grain of sand makes her shoes unwearable or lose it over the most seemingly insignificant things, those annoying things like her brother sneezing. I have been blessed with an incredible daughter who I love more than life itself. She is strong, bright, creative, intelligent, decisive. She is a gift that challenges me, encourages me, and improves me. I didn't expect to give birth to such a powerhouse. I didn't expect a daughter who would challenge me every step of the way, who would question every motive, who would test every boundary, but that is who I've been entrusted with by a loving Heavenly Father, and I trust that He would not have blessed me with such a strong, spirited daughter if he didn't think I could handle what it takes to parent her. For me, realizing that A requires a different parenting style helps me seek ways to understand her temperament and parent more effectively. She feels more passionately, worries more intensely, and behaves more impulsively than I would. Those aren't faults to be bemoaned; they are traits she's been given for a reason, and it is my job to help her manage and mold that intense personality into one that will benefit the world.
2. Ignore the naysayers.
There are people, people you love, who will tell you that this temperament thing is a bunch of hogwash and if you were just tougher, stricter, fill-in-the-blanker....then your child would never utter a peep of defiance. They convince you that you are the problem, that you aren't a very good mom, that if that were their child, she wouldn't behave that way. I encourage you to give them a call the next time your child is having a nuclear DEFCON-1meltdown and invite them to come work their parenting magic. I'm sure you could destroy your relationship with yo
ur child by coercing her into compliance in an authoritarian my way or the highway sort of way, but people, until you've dealt with a spirited child on a tear, I don't know. The second you draw that line in the sand, she's crossed it just like Caesar crossing the Rubicon, sword ablazing. The thing is, I could take away everything forever and in the heat of the moment, my child wouldn't care. She. Would. Not. Care. For her, whatever consequence is worth those few minutes of expressing her intense frustration.
Here's the rub. Your child doesn't want to behave this way. She doesn't. My girl comes to me after trying to handle this firestorm of intensity and says, "Mommy, I don't know why I feel this way. I don't want to, but I don't know how to control my emotions." Yes, it is frustrating for me as a mom, but I feel my job is to teach her how to manage that intensity, to give her tools to calm herself and to more effectively deal with and channel that intensity and frustration, not push her further off the edge. Most spirited children have very intense emotions and don't know how to handle those, especially in the heat of the moment. When I asked my daughter what would help defuse her tantrums, she sincerely responded, "Mommy, I think a hug would help me calm down." Amazingly, this simple tactic at the time my child seems the least huggable, seems to work miracles at calming her down and helping her regain control.
Do not misunderstand. I'm not encouraging you to eschew discipline. Your child needs effective discipline that teaches her to control her intensity. Recently, my daughter threw a cup of tea into my Macbook destroying it. I mean, even the computer repairman, was like, "Dude, I'm so sorry but she shorted the entire hard drive. Aw, man, a 2015, too." Once A calmed down, we reevaluated the incident. I admit I pushed her by insisting she finish her schoolwork even though she was tired and moving closer to the emotional edge of frustration, not understanding the assignment. I failed to recognize and respect her warning signs that she was losing control. Rather than helping her manage her emotions, I intensified them. Ephesians 6:4 reminds us not to exasperate our children, but to bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Colossians 3:12 admonishes parents not to embitter our children lest they become discouraged. These verses are reminders to me as the mom of a spirited child. A still has to understand the consequence for losing her cool, though, so she is "earning" the cost of the computer through extra chores, and I'm working with my youth pastor to find opportunities for A to volunteer with elderly members of our church to help them in their home or yard complete tasks that are difficult for them. She will work through volunteering to recover the cost of the computer. My goal as a mom is to make this not a horrible memory for our family but a learning opportunity for A on the reality of consequences for poor decisions in a positive way that benefits her and others.
Many well-respected authors, psychologists, and parenting experts have written hundreds of books on the topic of strong-willed, difficult, spirited children. It is not just your child. This is a real concern for many capable, loving parents. Know mom, your child's temperament has a lot to do with her responses. It is up to you to study her temperament, her moods, what pushes her buttons and lovingly, gracefully give her the tools to manage and control that onslaught of intensity that often culminates in a tantrum. I know that is so much easier said than done, so treat yourself with grace, too.
3. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
The episode we now refer to as the "computer incident" just about pushed me over the edge. I've never felt like such a failure as a mom. It was one of the worst tantrums my daughter had thrown in a while, and after months of smooth sailing, I was left blindsided. I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide. I'm serious. I frankly didn't want anyone to know what I sometimes dealt with in managing my daughter's temperament. I didn't think anyone would understand, and if I reached out to someone, I believed they would condemn me as a mom. Raising a spirited child will wear you out. There are nights you collapse into bed after a day of battling everything from what you served at meals to handling the fact that her brother drew air and it bothered her. Most of the time, my daughter is a delight to parent, but sometimes she is moodier, less optimistic, and more negative than most children. She's easily discouraged with a task, she's slow to warm-up in a group, she's hesitant to try new things. It's just who she is. I'm a very optimistic, I can do anything kind of person, so there are days our personalities clash. And, it's hard to admit that there are times when you just don't have a clue how to handle that dissonance, but my husband lovingly convinced me to call a friend who is a family counselor.
I called my friend and began the conversation with a desperate, "I need help!" She gracefully listened to my story and reassured me that I am not alone, that my child is normal, that this is her temperament, and that I am fully capable of parenting her. She offered practical suggestions on defusing the intensity of a situation before it spiraled out of control and recommended ways to help A manage her emotions. She even confirmed what I had read in so many books written about strong-willed children. Rather than scold me for being a parenting buffoon, she acknowledged that I am not the only mom caught in this struggle. That call changed me. I know that seems over-the-top, but for the first time, I had professional confirmation that my daughter is normal, that she needs to be parented differently than my compliant son, and I had tools. Just the simple knowledge of knowing you're not alone can give you the resolve you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
4. You and your husband are the best parents for your child.
You are enough. You are capable. You just need help and guidance sometimes. You need encouragement. Surround yourself with people who offer a shoulder to cry on, who call you to the carpet when you're being a wimp, who love you and your children unconditionally, who will take your little ones to the park so you can grab a pedicure or even a nap. Know that yes, you have a child who is challenging to parent, but that doesn't make you a bad parent. Dear mom, God has entrusted you with the 10-15% of children authors pen special books about. Gra
nted, there are days you wish you had been given an easy, compliant child, but where would the fun in parenting that child be, right? Your child needs you. Not an expert, not someone who is cooler, prettier, more capable, you. You are enough.
5. Trust that God is equipping you to parent your child and through this transforming you into the woman He wants you to become.
Parenting my spirited daughter has changed me so much.....for the better. She reminds me that life is meant to be approached with fire and intensity. She sharpens me, as iron sharpens iron. Through her, God is truly transforming me. I'm more patient, self-controlled, compassionate, and humble. Ultimately, I'm more dependent on Jesus. This self-assured, self-righteous, prideful, got-it-all-together girl is anything but. God is teaching me to run to Him and depend on Him to sustain me and fill me. Then, I am better-prepared to parent A and C. Even though my son is "easier," it doesn't mean he isn't challenging, as well. He appears to have inherited my stubborn streak. I'm growing to believe that no matter what temperament your child, one purpose of parenting is to drive us to utter dependence on Jesus, and in my case, it is working beautifully.
If it helps, I, too, was a spirited child. My children love to hear the story of how when I was fourteen, my mom asked me to clean my bathroom. I haphazardly wiped down the sink. Upon inspection, my mom discovered my half-hearted attempt and called me out on it. I responded by grabbing a can of Comet and tossing it wildly throughout the bathroom. When the dust literally settled, I looked into the gilded-gold mirror hanging in the bathroom and saw reflected a look that resembled a portrait of George Washington, complete with the powdered wig. It took hours to vacuum all the powder from the carpet, sink, and shelves. My tantrum cost hours of pointless work, as did many others I threw as a spunky child and teen, so every time my girl lets loose, I remember that, I, too, was once the girl staring back at me, desperate for a patient mom who was willing to guide and help her gain control.
And, finally, dear mom, I don't have proof of this, but I believe the world is transformed by spirited children. I firmly believe, based on some biblical evidence, that the apostles Peter and Paul were spirited children. I believe Lydia, the competent business woman mentioned in Acts was a spirited gal. The Proverbs 31 woman has spirit written all over her. Margaret Thatcher. I imagine she gave her parents fits. All those gals in the Senate and the House. Those are not weak women. Jane Goodall, Abigail Adams, Florence Nightingale, Elizabeth Blackwell. It takes spirited girls to challenge the system, to question the status quo, to fight injustice. Weary moms, trust God to guide you in parenting your firecracker, and believe that He is using you to mold that girl's fiery temperament into a catalyst that will set the world ablaze for good. That trust is how I get through those days that short-circuit not just my computer but me, as well. You have a wonderful opportunity to rear a girl or boy who could, with their spirited intensity, transform the world.
So, get up off the bathroom floor, take a deep breath, say a prayer, look at your reflection in the mirror and tell that puffy-red-eyed girl, "You can do this." Remind yourself that you are capable and that your child needs you.....you. One day, over a cup of hot tea, we'll laugh about how our doctors and teachers and humanitarians and ministers once left us in tears on the bathroom floor, and we'll marvel at how God used faithful, willing moms to influence these spirited children who grew up to become world-changers.
Let us know grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9
A and I are so opposite, yet God gave me her because He knows we need each other. I'm not going to lie. It is sometimes so difficult to parent her. There are days that though, I love her madly no matter what, I mean wildly love this bronco of mine, there are days, it breaks my heart to say it, that I don't always like her. Just fleeting moments of this child isn't very nice. Of course, parenting her is usually a delight, but on those days it's hard, it's back-breaking, bone-weary hard. All those qualities that will create a wildly successful adult who refuses to accept rejection and laughs at the idea of following the crowd; those qualities are wrecking her mama. Yet, I won't give up on me or on her. Just as He's perfecting me and making me new, He's doing the same for her and has trusted me with assisting Him in the process. I slow my pace as I near her piano teacher's house. My grace is sufficient for you because My power is made perfect in weakness. That's really what it's all about isn't it, Jesus? In parenting, in marriage, in life. God uses all situations to bring us to faithful dependence on Him. He supplies strength to the weary, especially the weary mamas of the world.
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