What To Really Expect When You're Expecting

My baby sister is expecting her first baby.  As the youngest of two sisters and a brother (all parents), she will be the fortunate recipient of our advice and words of wisdom.  Of course, she could read about what to expect in any number of books, if she's looking for the tidy, sanitized version.  I find it my duty, though, to draw back the curtain and show her what to really expect in the months and years following her pregnancy, so my sweet G, I present "What to Really Expect When You're Expecting."

1.  Enjoy your pregnancy.  Relish every quiet, peaceful, uninterrupted moment of your pregnancy.  Go to bed at 8:00 pm if you feel so inclined.  Sleep in until noon.  Sit down at a table and enjoy all three courses of your meal.  Read a book.  Binge watch Netflix.  Then say good-bye to all of these activities for 18 years.  It's okay; I'll pause while you take a moment of silence.

2.  Once the baby arrives, well-meaning, often childless, or perhaps forgetful, people will advise you to sleep when your baby sleeps.  Pshaw......Don't listen to them.  When else will you catch up on Days of Our Lives and Reddit?  Stefano and Marlena are not going to wait for your baby to grow up, sis.  You may also want to use this time for minor activities like eating and showering and maybe, running the vacuum.  It'll be good for your princess to adjust to napping with noise, especially if you plan to have a little prince in the future.

2.  This may come as a shock, but there will be days you won't shower.  Your child will leave the house looking like an ad for Kelly's Kids and you will leave looking like an extra for the Walking Dead.   It's all right.  No one will judge you.....no one, except maybe that group of moms at Kindermusik who all look like they stepped out of the pages of Vogue.  They will judge, but who cares?  Those are not your people.  Trust me, there's a whole cast of Walking Dead extras stumbling sleepily across playgrounds and through the aisles of Target.  Plus, you watched an entire episode of American Idol and didn't drop the baby when that spider ran out of the closet.  High five!

3.  If you plan to nurse, prepare for your milk to letdown at the most awkward times:  singing in the choir at church, lecturing students on participial phrases, checking out at the grocery store, making a deposit at the bank.  You will be your very own Leaky Cauldron, and I'm not talking Harry Potter, friend.  This is a magic all of its own.  Buy lots of those little pads for your bra and be prepared because milk happens.

4.  Speaking of breast feeding, there is no such thing as pumping discreetly unless you work on an airport runway or at a bar with a heavy metal band.  That pumping noise can broadcast through steel walls.  If you pump in your classroom during your ten minute planning period, lock the door.  That's a difficult one to explain to the poor administrator who waltzes through the door.  Hang a sign that says "Pumping in Progress."  No one will come near your room.  Forget, leave it up the rest of the day, and catch a nap.

5.  I know you teach aerobics.  Bless you.  Plan on having a co-teacher for those five to ten times you have to dash off to the restroom during jumping jacks.  Trampolines?  Forget about it unless you also carry an extra pair of pants for you in that giant diaper bag you'll be hauling around.


6.  There will come a day when your precious is about three months old where you will want to venture out to the mall, just to make sure Jesus didn't return and leave you behind.  Don't bother.  Once you load the stroller, diaper bag, baby carrier, wrestle your little bronco into the seat without pinching off a finger, remember you're wearing pajama pants, go back inside to put on blue jeans, you'll be too tired to turn on the ignition.  The good news is the baby finally drifted to sleep after hours of attempting to put her down for a nap earlier.  Always keep a book or magazine in the car for this occasion.  Put on sunglasses and turn off the ignition.  It will appear you are reading, while you, too, catch a nap.  If your husband surprises you for lunch, pretend you just got into the car.

7.  Never say never.  Everything you learned in that child development class you took in college, all those precious parenting strategies you tucked away for when you had children will not apply when your child is projectile vomiting on your Karastan area rug or when your angel decides to decorate the kitchen counter with permanent marker or shred the stack of essays you were about to grade.  You will say that thing your mom always said and you swore you'd never say, and to add salt to the wound, it will leave your mouth in her voice.  You will find yourself saying things like, "Please don't bite your toenails until you at least wash your feet."  Or, "What did you think would happen when you shoved a grape up your nose?"

8.  The baby-apparatus companies will tell you it is impossible to rear your child without forty-five gadgets and three different cribs.  Please remember our parents did this with drop side cribs and walkers on wheels sans baby gates.  We just rolled to the next landing where our parents set us upright then we'd keep toddling along.  Thousands of generations of babies survived without designer diapers and boppity-boopy seats.

9.  Your friends will change a bit.  You'll swear to all of your childless friends that you guys will be BFFs forever, and you will with one or two, but your endless talk about how your baby smiled, pooped green, spit up, made adorable cooing noises will begin to wear thin.  You can't help it.  At this moment, your whole world revolves around someone who is 20 inches and weighs ten pounds and can shake the foundation of your house with screaming at 2 am.  If you do manage to keep silent about your little love, you won't be able to follow their conversation about the latest episode of Downton Abbey because you nodded off during the evening news.  It may seem intimidating or impossible at first, but before you know it, you'll be surrounded by a group of mommas who love to discuss breast milk storage and The Runaway Bunny as much as you.

10.  Finally, and seriously, your life will be rocked in ways you never imagined.  When the doctor hands you that tiny miracle from God, you'll never look back.  No amount of sleep or size 6 jeans or grown-up conversation over a glass of wine in a real goblet will ever tempt you to go back to life before this precious love.  Your and Jordan's lives will be given purpose you never imagined as you nurture this child into an adult.  The joy, even on those days when this child is ten and drives you to your knees before the throne of God in anxious, befuddled prayer, will far outweigh any burden.  Those first days can be lonely, but soon, so soon, you'll find your routine, hit your groove, and wonder why you didn't enter the wonderful world of parenting sooner.

So, baby sister, congratulations.  You are embarking on a journey that will forever transform your life.  You will wake up in ten years and realize you are gentler, more compassionate, more patient, kinder, more joyful, and more loving than you ever thought possible.  You'll thank God for using this precious miracle to cultivate within your own life the fruit of His spirit.  Now that you know what to expect, fasten your seatbelt, and enjoy the ride!