I Resolve

I'm what you might call a resolution reject.  Before those tiny conversation hearts line the shelves of the local CVS in anticipation of Valentine's, I'm already reeling from the reality of broken resolutions.  Last year, I resolved to be less distracted and more present.  This lasted until the first play of the National Championship game.  My resolution to be more organized made it until it was my turn to put away the laundry.  This year's proposed resolution to not over schedule myself didn't even see the light of day since I filled in my January schedule before my kids had uttered the phrase "trick or treat."  So, this year, I simply haven't had the heart to put myself through the disappointment of writing down a list of lofty goals that won't make it to the first snowfall before they are lining the bottom of my kitchen trash can.

Rather than resolve, I've decided to discover.  I'm taking the time I'd normally spend writing about my plans for self-improvement and attempting to dig deeply and determine why my good intentions spiral into chaos by President's Day.  The theme of my resolutions for the past five years could be summed up in the phrase: simplify, slow down, learn to say no.  I find that my issue isn't necessarily a lack of discipline; it's a lack of time.  I don't have time to work diligently on resolutions or self-improvement.  I realize I'm given the same amount of time as everyone else on the planet, but I seem to be able to fill every single free second with an obligation despite promising myself that I won't do it this time.  It's as if I have some busyness disorder that is only satisfied when I'm running myself ragged.  Quite frankly, it's left me weary.

What should be some of the happiest, liveliest years of my life have suddenly become days I simply find myself trying to "get through."  If I can just get through the holidays, then I'll have time to focus on what matters.  If I can get through this next session of ACT students, then I can slow down and focus on my little ones.  My life has become a series of "get throughs" and I'm not ever finding myself on that magical other side.  Even more frustrating, the moments I'm getting through are good things.  My life is filled with good things:  an amazing husband, two wonderful children, a great part-time teaching position, a thriving tutoring business, family, friends, church.  But I find I'm never present because my mind is always anticipating the next meeting, lesson, play, practice, meal, appointment.  Even when I drop in bed to sleep, I'm awakened by the thoughts of items left undone. Rather than enjoying the life I treasure, I'm anxiously anticipating my next obligation, wondering if I've fallen short of someone's expectations.

Expectations!  That's it....maybe.  I'm an overachiever.  Most of my life has been spent working toward ambitious goals, not satisfied with simply reaching the goal.  My competitive nature finds me striving to excel in everything I do.  It isn't enough to simply show up; I really do attempt to give my best effort in everything I undertake.  The problem is, when I over commit, I'm bound to drop a ball or two.  For example, my son shows up to his play wearing lime green pants and a black t-shirt when he was supposed to be in a white turtleneck and jeans.  When do I notice this oversight?  In the middle of his performance.  I'm supposed to provide a meal for a friend.  When I finally remember five minutes before time, forget homemade; I'm scrambling for takeout.  It seems now the harder I strive the more that is expected.

Have you considered the ridiculous expectations that are presently placed on moms?  Rearing responsible children isn't good enough anymore.  We are expected to work full time, parent full time, run marathons, look good in running tights, preside over the PTO, teach Sunday school, grow a garden, volunteer, room mom, plan, shop, and create meals, take children to practice, pick them up, help with homework, maintain a home that looks like it could be in Better Homes and Gardens, all while looking as if we just jumped out of a photo shoot at J. Crew.  And that's the minimum expectation.  The more we do the more that is expected.  Don't believe me?  Attempt to explain that you need to get out of an obligation because you have too much on your plate.  Eye rolling followed by, "We are all too busy these days, aren't we?"  There are days I feel like I am surrounded by super moms who make all of this look effortless.  Stop it ladies.  Seriously, stop it, you're killing those of us who forget we are wearing pajamas until we are checking out at Publix or those of us who think shoving our children's toys under the bed suffices as cleaning.

Clearly, I have a problem.  I struggle with meeting expectations and with worrying about what others think of me.  And, I'll admit that when you explain to people you run a business, home school your kids, and actually used your crockpot once this month, the looks of admiring shock feel good.  The "how do you pull it off" question makes you feel a bit like supermom until you realize that it...IS....KILLING.....YOUR.....SPIRIT.  The things that feed my soul:  praying, reading, writing, running, lazing around with my family; these things have felt like guilty indulgences that I can't afford for too long.  So for me, this must be the year where I resolve to remember that I perform for an audience of one......God.  When my pride and ego have me roaring down the track of over-commitment, I must slam on the brakes and ask myself, "Does this glorify God?"  "Does this jeopardize the health and happiness of my marriage or family?"  Because this life can't be about me and about living up to everyone else's expectations, it has to be about HIM.

This year has to be a year where I stop allowing the comparison trap to rob me of my joy.  It has to be the year where I learn to say no to anything that doesn't edify my relationship with Christ and with my family.  I'm faced with decisions everyday, where I must pick between usually several very good opportunities, even opportunities to help others, but I must learn to choose the best yes and feel comfortable saying no.  What if I'm missing the one, truly great opportunity God has placed before me because I'm too busy committing to everything that comes my way?  What if I'm settling for good instead of great?  God is a big God, and it's time I learn that He can do anything He wants without me.  If I say no, maybe that gives the right person the opportunity to say yes.

Girls, I believe we fall victim to this much more than our guys, so let's do this together.  Let's agree moms that it's okay to wear jogging pants to Publix, that it's all right to not look like Emma Watson or Evangeline Lily every time we walk out the front door, that it's just fine to shop for our kids at Target, that sweet potato fries are vegetables, that some days adequate must be good enough, that none of us have it all together.  Let's stop pretending.  (Really, stop pretending, I need someone else to admit that they too have occasional bladder issues when they sneeze or cough while running or jumping on the trampoline.) Let's stop over committing, let's stop judging, and start encouraging each other to make choices that are best for our family.  It's okay to say no to good things because that means we can say yes to the best things...to the things that feed our soul, that feed our family's soul, and that feed our relationship with God.  Let's resolve to do that this year.