On Purpose

"Mommy, why was I born after Sara?  Why couldn't I be the same age as her?"  A's question breaks a few minutes of silence, and I can tell she's been pondering extended family birth order for a while.  Not sure what answer she's looking for, I respond, "Why do you ask?"

"Because I'm younger and she and Kristy are the same age and I want to be 9, too."

"Well, God had you born at the exact right time for what He has in mind for you."  Kids just love answers like this.  I sense definite eye-rolling coming from the backseat.  "But, Mommy, I want to be the same age as my cousins.  I don't want to be younger."

"Remember Esther?" I ask.  "And how Mordecai told her God had her born at just the right time so she could save her people?"

"Which Veggie Tales is that?"  Because apparently my children hear God speak much more clearly through Bob and Larry than through Mom and her good old-fashioned children's bible, I reply  "The one where the baker tries to drop a piano on the king's head."

"Oh!" she says excitedly "That's the one with the land of perpetual tickling."  Now it's time for me to roll my eyes.  "Yes, that's the one," I respond, shaking my head.  "Well, the point of that is how Esther was born for a purpose and how she had the courage to fulfill her God-given mission." Which clearly sounds like wah-wah-wah-wah to the ears of a sweet seven-year-old.

I hear laughing in the back seat followed by, "Mommy, that tickle guy was so funny."

"Yes, yes he was, sweetheart," I say as A moves on to another topic of conversation.  Perhaps she's a little young to grasp God's will and purpose for our lives.

As I think about it, though, many of us aren't that different from my seven-year-old daughter.  I think we often find ourselves wondering if God has a special purpose for us, pondering what exactly our gift is.  I wondered this often in high school.  When I found myself tripping and falling into the gutter in front of the entire school as my dad dropped me off for school one day, followed by the slamming of the car door and someone, who shall remain nameless but shared a room with me most of her life, shouts, "Keep going, Daddy," because she's too embarrassed to be seen with me.  Or, when you're cheering in the biggest rivalry game of the year and during the "Hello" cheer rather than land on your feet, you bounce off your hiney in front of a packed house.  Sure, moments like that will have you cursing your clumsiness and wondering what on earth God has you here to do.  Perhaps I was created to trip in a big battle and launch a weapon that takes out the enemy?

I recall praying as I planned for choosing a college major that God would reveal His purpose for my life, as if choosing the correct major depended on seeing the big picture, all the pieces of the puzzle fitting nicely together or the arrows on the path all pointing in the exact right direction, and I'd just skip merrily along toward "my" goal with God's blessing. I sought the counsel of trusted ministers and mentors always asking, "How do we know God's will?"

As I've gotten older and "matured" in my faith I've found that for me, discovering God's will has really been more about telling God my dreams and goals and asking Him to divinely direct the way to my destiny, the one I had handpicked for myself based on my evaluation of God's gifting in my life.  Rarely, did my prayers include, "Thy will be done" or "what would You have me do?"  More often it was, "This is my goal; here's my ten year plan; please help me achieve it. Amen."  

Every once in a while a verse or chapter of scripture will seem to appear no matter where I'm looking.  Not like writing on the wall, although that would be nice unless your King Belshazzar.  In my recent quest to better understand the concept of grace, I meditated on the thrilling message in Ephesians 2:8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved-through faith and that is not of yourself, it is a gift from God- not by works so that no one may boast."  Gift from God just hit me anew as I was typing this, and if that weren't incredible enough, God drew my attention to Ephesians 2:10: "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."  Let that fall on you for a moment.  Just like Esther, before we were even born, God had prepared for us good works to do in our lifetime.  That verse says so much.

For those who wonder if we're just wandering along aimlessly, stumbling from moment to moment, I believe God is saying, "You have a purpose, and I have a plan."  Before we were even born, God knitted us together in our mother's womb for a divinely ordained purpose.  Does that mean we'll all perform breathtaking missions in distant lands?  Probably not.  But I do think it gives us permission to honor God and bring Him glory in every little "mundane" task He asks us to perform....like changing diapers and cleaning up projectile vomiting at 2 am.

Another segment of this verse that I find compelling is that God has prepared us to do His good works.  As I mentioned earlier, I think so many of us tightly grasp hold of a dream or an idea and fight for it despite door after door slamming in our face then close our own door at night and beg God to make our wish come true. We say, "but my heart tells me," failing to understand the admonition that the "heart is deceitful above all things and without cure" (Jeremiah 17:9)  Not that I've ever done that, ahem.  Perhaps the hardest part of this promise to accept is that God has decided the works and our gifts.  It's difficult to relinquish "control" of our own little kingdom.  I'm not saying He is a puppet master and we're absent of free will, but when we're truly seeking His will and direction, sometimes that means surrendering "our" will and opening ourselves up to His.  "Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him" (Jeremiah 17:7) and not in ourselves.

This isn't always easy, and yes, I speak from experience.  When I was younger, I never dreamed of being a homeschooling, stay-at-home mommy running my own tutoring business.  I swore I'd never teach or that I'd never live in Alabama.  I had big goals, big dreams, big plans.  I, me, this girl here.  When I prayed it was for God to fulfill those dreams, add the divine magic, and I'd do whatever He asked to achieve my plans.  Except, that along the way I discovered that life isn't about me and following Jesus isn't about blessing my plan.  There came a time where I "sacrificed" what I thought I needed to live a fulfilled contented life; I laid on the altar a life that had left me harried, discontent, and ill at ease.  It was at that moment of sacrifice and surrender, where I found peace.  I fully believe complete surrender comes with complete peace.  God isn't there prying our hands open either; He patiently waits for us to willingly hand over our stronghold, so the "One who gives good gifts" can replace it with something better than we can even imagine.

So now that I know God has a plan, now what?  Paul goes on to explain in Ephesians that God gives us the gift of the Holy Spirit, our Counselor and guide.  "In [Christ] and through faith we may approach God with freedom and confidence."  We can ask Him to guide us in His will and trust through faith that He'll show us the way.  We've all been given gifts by the Holy Spirit to use for God's kingdom, so understanding our gifts is a good place to start.  I've also come to understand that my general purpose is to fulfill the Great Commission and to serve the least of these.  God has really taught me to reevaluate my concept of His will and what it means for my life.

So while we may not all be destined to become queens and save our people from destruction, I believe, based on scripture, that we are all here to serve God in a specific capacity, and that alone gives me such hope and purpose, even in the most seemingly insignificant task like pushing a sweet little one on a swing for thirty minutes or reading the same shark book 979 times or dancing one more time to the My Little Pony theme song. Or creating a cartoon that would present the gospel in a way my children can comprehend.  Shout out to Bob and Larry.  Really, moms, when it comes down to it what higher calling is there than to raise the next generation of Esthers and Moredecais?  It's a purpose divinely ordained for me at this moment, and I can think of no other calling I'd rather fulfill.