Resolution Blues

While many of us spend this first day of 2012 pondering ways to improve ourselves in the new year, I tend to look back on 2011 and wonder what went wrong. As I review my list of last year's resolutions with dismay, I see that once again, I accomplished.....not one. My resolve to blog more faded as quickly as the ink on the coupon mailer in my front yard storm drain, evidence of yet another resolution gone by the wayside. Never could manage to get that thing all the way inside the front door, never mind actually cutting, organizing, then remembering the coupons. My clear-cut, specific, goal-oriented resolution to simplify, well, that one dissolved into frenzied chaos before I could manage to get the Christmas tree out the front door all while trying to avoid spilling thousands of dried pine needles. It was clearly not a banner year for resolutions.

Looking back, it's actually pretty easy to see why I failed. I mean, simplify, what does that mean exactly? Simplify what? How does anyone accomplish anything without a plan? When I reflect on the past year and look past the failed resolutions, though, I see that I achieved pursuits I didn't even have the foresight to include on my yearly list of failed attempts, I mean, New Year's resolutions. For instance, I shaved over one minute off of my mile time this year, running one in 8:45, instead of poking along at 10:00. That didn't require haphazardly scribbling down a list of well-intentioned goals at the beginning of a year, when, let's be frank, I was probably still coming down from red velvet cake and chocolate-butterscotch fudge-induced haze. It took waking up one summer day and declaring, "I am tired of being slow; today is the day I train harder and run faster," then, somewhat begrudgingly, dragging myself out of bed at 5 a.m. and hitting the treadmill, increasing my speed each week. Self-discipline and a plan.

I also notice my list of non-resolved endeavors for 2011 also includes creating and running a successful tutoring business (along with my awesome business partner, who fell in love, married, and moved away, but that's another day's tale). With no business background or knowledge, just a plan, grit, determination, and a lot of God's grace, I ran a successful business in 2011 with promise of an even better 2012. Two on a list of many: my sweet baby girl completing a successful first semester of kindergarten, my little man learning his alphabet and numbers through 20, small successes that built into quite a banner year.

And here I am again, contemplating my list of resolutions for 2012, wondering why I bother, but deep down, I know why. It's hope; it's the hope that accompanies the thrill of standing at the threshold of a new start, of a new year, of a new list of endless possibilities, including the prospect of getting it right this year, and if I fail, there's always next year. And this year, if I fail, I know from looking back, that there will be an entirely different list, one that is created in response to the day-to-day adversity that propels us to achieve without actually writing it down on January 1st. I am also reminded of Phillipians 1:6, "that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." That God himself, who could perfect us immediately, chooses to refine us through daily challenges, which include both successes and failures. So, this year, I will resolve yet again, not because I believe I'll accomplish without fail, but because I can dream and hope and know that life is a process that doesn't always require success. Perhaps it's in the failed lists of new year's past that we create new lists, real lists that truly do improve who we are and teach us what we really hope to become.