It's quite a helpless feeling. There I said it; there are times as a mom I feel clueless, helpless, witless. Throw in homeschooling, and you've got the makings of a full-blown "what on earth am I doing" pity party. As quickly as the emotion emerges, I just as rapidly beat myself up for not being the sage, with-it parent that so many others seem to be. I tell myself, if only I had not allowed my kids to eat non-organic apples and highly processed sweet rolls then maybe they wouldn't misbehave. If only I had used Pampers instead of the generic store brand diapers, then maybe my children would never melt down in public. If I had spanked instead of using time out...if I had attachment parented instead of Ferberizing....if I had read more Dr. Sears and less Dr. Suess....if I had watched Supernanny instead of six back-to-back seasons of Downton Abbey....if...if....if.....
A miniaturized version of Kyle Busch's number 18 flies by my head, forcing me to stop browbeating my parenting skills and actually put some into practice. I pick up my daughter who thrashes wildly and carry her to her room, ducking flailing arms with the skill of Mayweather. I place her on her bed and say, "Do not leave this room until you have calmed down." I'm basically one outburst away from building a tower and singing "Mother Knows Best." Flustered, frustrated, and flabbergasted, I walk across the hall to my room and collapse onto my own bed. I look up to the ceiling and sigh a prayer, "Jesus, I don't know how to handle this. I don't. I wish I did, but I don't. Yet, I know you do. Help me." In that moment I cling to Romans 8:26, "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness, for when we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words." That's frankly all I can manage right now: sighs intermingled with tears.
In these moments I feel like an utter failure as a mom. I've always been a self-motivated, high achiever. It's hard to grow up in America and not have an "if at first you don't succeed, study more, stay up later, and work harder" attitude. Self-reliance runs through our veins. We measure our worth based on our performance. That doesn't work with parenting, though, because my children are not a project or an essay. They're flesh and blood, precious, little beings who are born with particular temperaments and personalities. They have a mind and will of their own. There are times, no matter how I discipline or teach, that my sweet girl is going to absolutely come apart; it's occasional, but it's definitely part of her makeup. It will be unexpected and seemingly unprovoked; she will draw a battle line and dare me with everything in her little body to engage; in those moments, to her, whatever consequence she faces is worth the conflict, so she digs in and fights. My son, who has been parented in the same manner, would never imagine challenging me in that way. They are equally wonderful, but very different children, hard-wired with the temperaments that God chose for them. Temperaments that present both challenges and joys for their parents.My typical reaction to these challenges is to try harder, to learn more, and to declare myself a failure if I don't figure out how to effortlessly jump every hurdle that crosses my path. Surely, my success as a mom is measured by my children's behavior, and if they're not model citizens, then I'm a bad mom. We look at other children's outbursts and shake our heads. "My, my, what kind of mother allows....." Meanwhile, that frazzled mom, who loves and consistently disciplines her children and tries her absolute best, who teaches there are consequences for choices, is looking at your angel wondering what on earth she's doing wrong. She's feeling the heat of judgmental gazes wishing the Rapture would take place at that very moment.
May I be so bold to say that there are children who are almost always compliant and loving; it's just their nature. An outburst for them is shouting "no" in a medium voice. Their sweet Fluttershy voice barely hovers above a whisper. Then, there are the firecrackers, the Rainbow Dashes, delightful, spirited children who enjoy tackling the status quo and twisting its arm behind its back until it cries, "Uncle." The children who challenge their mommas in ways they never imagined. Little bundles of joy who refused to sleep for the first two years of their lives. Little loves who, I promise, at the age of six weeks, mumbled, "I dare you to put me in that crib." Children, who when you took them to the pediatrician to discover what possibly could cause them not to sleep for six months, your doctor looked at you sympathetically and explained what a battle of wills was. Children who protest every rule and question every motive. Children, who when guided in the right direction, will become excellent leaders who refuse to bow to peer pressure. Children you love with every fiber of your being but challenge you to tears. If God blessed you with that sweet boy or girl, Mom, you're not alone.
Please do not misunderstand; I'm not saying God doesn't require us to lovingly and gracefully guide our children to make good choices and to discipline and mold their character. It is our responsibility as parents to "train our children in the way they should go." My number one goal for my children is that they love Jesus, that they love God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength, and that they love their neighbor as themselves. That will not happen accidentally. It requires parents dedicated to loving and guiding their children; parents who aren't afraid to do what's right, who are focused on their child's needs. What I am saying, though, is that when we try to lean on our own power to do the job, we grow frazzled and weary, yet when we seek His wisdom and guidance and lean on Him for help, He equips us for the task. He chisels away the pride and arrogance that blinds us into believing that how our children turn out is all up to us and lies solely in our hands and invites us to call out to Jesus for help. As Americans, we're so comfortable and so steeped in material possessions and accomplishments that I believe it's sometimes easy to fool ourselves into believing that we have no practical need for God. Parenting has taught me that nothing could be farther from the truth.
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever, Amen!" Ephesians 3:20-21
