What I Need Today

C 's eye's light up as I lay him in his crib; his little sideways grin spreads across his face and his legs begin to kick in anticipation. "Okay, buddy, here they go. Mommy is going to make the Tigies dance." I crank the crib mobile and the tigers twirl to the Auburn fight song. His kicks grow even more excited, and I feel my eyes well with tears as I admire how sweet he is and think about how blessed I am.

"I love you very much, Mommy." A says sweetly.

"I love you very much, too, Sweetheart."

"You're the best!" A shouts as she races downstairs to play with Thomas. I continue folding laundry and think about how amazing she is.

I needed that this morning because in just a few hours my day seemed to quickly unravel. My goals for the day, simple, workout and bake a cheesecake for tonight's church dinner. Of course, they included playing with the kids and taking Toot to the library, but that's a given every day, at least the playing part.

Today, though, I haven't worked out, and it's almost five. I haven't even bathed. Children have refused to take naps and absolutely wouldn't hear of actually napping at the same time. My part-time employer called to say he wouldn't need me to tutor this weekend, after all, despite us needing the money. Meltdown after meltdown, tantrum after tantrum, frustration after frustration ensue until I am sitting in my car crying, after removing A from a spitting episode during storytime. She and C are both wailing in the backseat, and I wonder how I have failed so miserably at parenting. Surely unhappy children mean that I have somehow let them down.

A 's not even three and already I second-guess every parenting decision I make. It's like the future of her well-being hinges on every second's interaction. And, am I giving C enough time? I feel like that sweet little man gets put in a bouncer everytime his big sister so much as sneezes.

I love my children more than breath, but right now I need to know that it is okay to not love every minute of parenting. That there will be some days where it seems tiresome and mundane.....I feel like a wretch for even thinking it. I need to know it's okay to snap, "Just go to sleep already," and A 's self-esteem won't be damaged. I need to know it's okay to ignore her sometimes, and it's okay to want to just sit and hold C while she watches television. I need to know it's okay to want to scream and jump up and down like a two-year-old, not actually do it but just want to. I need to know that I am a good mother because I love my children more than life and am willing to sacrifice career, comfort, sometimes, sanity and so much more for them. I need to know that it's okay to not know what to do when your child spits at the librarian. I need to know that everyone else knows how wonderful, delightful, beautiful, amazing A and C are. I need God to reach down and wrap His arms around me, dry my eyes, and let me know that I'm on the right path, that I'm doing what I need to right now, that He is the only perfect parent.

A walks downstairs from her nap that she finally agreed to take, her hair askew, eyes still sleepy. "Hi Pumpkin."

"Hi, mommy," she mumbles. C is napping, too, finally. I pick A up and cuddle her close. "You want to snuggle bunny."

"Mmm-hmm, but me want a snack first, two M and M's and a piece of chocolate." She hugs tighter. I bet you do, I think. I smile. My affirmation. She loves me. C loves me. Despite millions of faults. They know, too, that they are loved no matter what. And I love that moment of parenting just like I love the frustrating moments for what they do to me, as a person and as a parent. Those are the moments that refine me, and the more I allow God to help me react the way He wants me to the more it helps me grow. He knows that's what I need more than anything.