Counting Down

Six weeks and counting....I think.....my original due date was December 21st, moved back to December 12th, but according to my doctor's math at my last visit is back to somewhere around December 21st. So, I am expecting a baby's arrival sometime in December. Overjoyed, overwhelmed, overly-exhausted.......all of those. Right now, I am riding a sea of emotions, cresting waves of intense happiness followed by valleys of "what in the world am I doing?" and usually evening out with smooth glassy moments of complete calm. Repeat cycle as many times as the ocean in a day.

When I was pregnant with A , I remember coming home from work, waddling slowly up the stairs to the nursery, sitting in the new yellow glider my in-laws had given us and contently rocking back-and-forth, daydreaming about my impending arrival of joy. Truly, not a care in the world. I didn't worry about labor; I didn't worry about what kind of mother I'd be; I wasn't fretting over wether or not I'd master breastfeeding. I simply experienced blissful contentment, enjoying the prospect of possibilities that lie ahead. Not so much this time.

Now, I'm lucky if I can find a moment to waddle to the restroom alone. My beautiful, sweet present joy is a feisty, fiery, spunky, bundle of unstoppable energy who demands every ounce of her mommy. Blonde pigtails bobbing, she jumps from place to place and has absolutely no desire to discuss the bump in her mommy's middle, other than to point out how uncomfortable it is when she is trying to lean back on me for story time. I admit in embarrassment that I've not so much as even started thinking of names for our new arrival. I haven't had time to just sit and think about our new baby, and it pains me. Other than a few gentle pats on my tummy when the little one kicks; I 've barely even begun the bonding process. With A , bonding began with a positive pregnancy test.

Am I unhappy about this pregnancy? Absolutely not! I am overjoyed, but like all second-time moms, I'm sure, I'm more concerned with how my first baby is going to handle it than with how wonderful it is going to be to rock and hold an infant. I've not truly allowed myself to enjoy and bask in this pregnancy like I did my first because I don't want to take anything away from the baby who is already here. Will I always feel this way? Everytime I sit nursing my newborn, will I feel guilty because I'm not reading to A or playing with her or just enjoying her? I tell myself that I am one of billions of mothers who have had more than one child, and I know it will all be okay, but right now, I'm honestly having trouble looking past my pregnancy. Seriously, could I be more pathetic..... fretting over wether or not I can adequately parent two children. Don't Jon and Kate have 8 and that Arkansas family have 18?

So many of the blissful daydreams I had while waiting for A 's arrival have come to fruition. I am mother to a beautiful, lively, sweet toddler who has exceeded even my wildest expectations, a true blessing from God. And I know whatever the future holds, however hectic and erratic it might seem the first few months, His grace is enough to carry us through, sustain us, prepare us, and help us parent both of our joys with unending amounts of love. I just hope that I can be as much of a joy to them as A has been to me!